14.10.17

The Goods, the Uglies, the Almosts, the Derivatives, and the Inexplicables

Tour goods for The Day in Question 2017 Tour are now up!!! Fish Tank helpfully informed us of this by email a full HALF-HOUR before the goods went on sale on the B-T Web Shop, so props to Fish Tank for their wow so plan ahead much professional very advance warning wow. 

(Fish Tank's all like: "I jorb good, I'm Japanese! We Japanese company robot drones all jorb good! Not only are we all at our desks five minutes early every day, we are never late on email!!!!1" Japanese companies: you can spend years not working for one and yet still hate them! But we digress.)

Anyhow, this has got to be both the weirdest and laziest and yet simultaneously amazing set of goods we've ever seen pulled out of Buck-Tick's management's collective creative ass (wow what a sizzling whopper of a metaphor), so let's dive in, shall we?

First, the Derivatives! You may have learned in your calculus class that a derivative is a rate of change, but we're here to tell you that a derivative is also a merch item which is definitely being recycled from a previous tour.

Recognize these, anyone?

Guitar Pick Set: 2200 yen. Comes in a pouch shaped like Daruma-Maimai. The character on the front is "Hisashi," which is indeed Imai's first name, but it also means long-life, and is commonly seen on Daruma dolls for that very reason. A+, despite being a derivative.


Imai Hand Towel: 1000 yen. It's 100% cotton, a claim many of these other goods cannot make.

Daruma Dolls of Buck-Tickistan: 7000 yen. They're each 5cm tall and made in Japan, a claim many of these other goods cannot make, as most are made in China. However, there's just one problem with these Daruma dolls: you're supposed to use them at New Year's to make a wish. Color in one eye, and make your wish. When your wish comes true, color in the other eye. But these dolls already have eyes! Still, they're an improvement on those creepy Dokudanjou Beauty figurines, so we'll take what we can get.



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Now, on to the Uglies!

Halloween Dolman T-shirt: 4200 yen. That is a stupid amount of money for a one-size-fits-all t-shirt that will definitely show your bra if you're a lady and definitely show your titties if you're a dude. It even comes with an "As Seen on TV" sticker on the sleeve. Would have been cool if it said "Buck-TRICK or Treat!" But it doesn't.



Pointless Rubber Bands: 500 yen each. These are only sold at the concert halls on the day of the show and they will sell out instantaneously just for that. Too bad, because we really wanted that Kanazawa puke-colored one. Dammit.


 Lazy CD Jacket T-shirt: 3800 yen. Tour dates: yes. Screen printed block on the front: no. Design laziness level: 200%. Likelihood of getting stained with wine at the party after the show: 99%. Comes in small, medium, and large. Made in China, because of course it is.

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Luckily, there weren't too many uglies. But there are a fair few Almosts.

Polyester Sex Toy Pouch: 2500 yen. The upside is, at 18cm long and 12cm tall with an 8cm gusset, it's definitely big enough to hold at least one dildo, maybe two. The downside: you'd be carrying your dildos around in a case printed with a pattern of the fangirliest bedroom in Buck-Tickistan, so everyone who sees this case will know exactly who you're jilling on (too bad this case isn't big enough for five dildos!!!!) Allow me to kindly queue up "My Thighs & Your Thighs" on the turntable and edge out of the room.



Official Acchan-chan Swarovski Leather Bracelet: 14500 yen. The upside: you can definitely use this for light bondage in a pinch! The downside: we know why it says A. S. on it. But he, and we, know it would be so much cooler if it said A. S. S. instead. (Go count up the number of times Mr. Sakurai has mentioned butts in his lyrics if you don't believe us.)



Long Blouson: 9500 yen. The upside: it's all black! There are no pesty colors marring its lovely darker than darkness! It's hipster goth rivethead garb which you you could wear to the Cloak and Dagger Festival! The downsides: delete that logo off the front, please please please please please. The day we buy a Buck-Tick hoodie is the day YOU make a Buck-Tick hoodie without a fucking logo on the front. And who the fuck uses the word "blouson"?


 Official Imai Leather Bag: 5800 yen. The upside: it has the same design as the Parade festival tenugui (enlarge the photo to see), and its sleek darker than darkness majesty remains unmarred by any ugly logos or god forbid, pale grey suede. You could carry this around and yet nobody would know you're secretly a Buck-Tick fan. The downside: it's not actually leather. It says right there on the site it's made of Polyurethane. Fail!



Hot Air Balloon Big T-Shirt: 4500 yen. The upside: it's black. The hot air balloon is cool. The downside: 1) this is too much like that silly Atom Miraiha lightbulb and also it only comes in one size. 2) We resent the continual mixing of too many colors on the same shirt. Pick a color and fucking stick with it. 3) As Mr. Sakurai demonstrated at the Parade festival, this cut of t-shirt is the worst cut of t-shirt Mr. Sakurai has ever worn. The website isn't showing the weird side vents, mullet back, or the unflattering way this shirt will make your microphone monitor look like a butt tumor. You're welcome.


Hot Air Balloon T-Shirt Dress: 4500 yen. The upsides: it's black. The hot air balloon is cool. We like t-shirt dresses and this one is a better cut than the stupid big t-shirt above. The downsides: 1) the neckline is too high to show your cleavage, therefore, what's the point? 2) It only comes in one size. 3) There are still too many colors on here. 4) There should have been two hot air balloons, one over each boobie.

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All right, that's all well and dandy... but how about the Inexplicables? Kids, please tell us, why on earth would you ever make these items into tour goods? We won't judge you for buying them. We're just honestly curious here.

Key Holder: 1500 yen. This looks like it came out of a gacha-gacha machine. This is goods from the Cheaper than Cheapness tour. This is ready and waiting to choke your baby. Make it stop.


Kurumi-chan Plastic Bags: 1200 yen. This is a box of bog-standard plastic freezer bags, printed with the Buck-Tick logo. It costs 1200 whole yen, which is 1100 yen more than you'd pay at the hundred yen shop like a normal human. We hereby declare that these freezer bags should never be used for anything except the following: 1) dead mice to feed your pet snake, 2) dog poop, 3) drugs, the more the better.

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And now for the boring part: the Goods.

Kurumi-chan Zip Tote: 3000 yen. This'll put your fandom on display, but it's hard to identify immediately as a Buck-Tick item on the train, and the zipper at the top will keep your groceries dry or your panties from blowing away in the wind.


Kurumi-chan iPeen Case With Shoulder Stap: 4500 yen. Kurumi iPeen Case: 1. Hide Grey Suede Sacosh: 0. Usefulness at a nightclub: 100. Bonus points if you stuff this with a Kurumi freezer bag full of drugs.

Face Towel: 2000 yen. At 34 by 85 centimeters, this is a good size. It's a little corporate, but it's black and white only, so it'll do.


Halloween T-shirt Dress: 4200 yen. At least ten years after B-T started releasing holiday t-shirts, they finally, finally made one that looks nice!!!1 Hits the spot between cutesy and spooky! That witch is hot, we'd make out with her! We'll wear it every year on Christmas from now on!

Yutaka Yu-men Noodles: 500 yen. Made in Japan real authentic instant ramen. Comes with ingredients list which is provided on the website, so people with allergies, rejoice! Also, dig that gay bear in a fundoshi. That is some serious Serious Bear. Bonus points that these noodles explicitly state "for home use." Like, where else would you use them? Care to enlighten us, Yutaka? 

Serious Bear, Omiya Edition: 2000 yen. Zomg as if Serious Bear couldn't get any more gay serious. For those of you who don't know, the kanji on the back of his happi coat says "Omiya"... so... is he doing a different one of these for every venue? Because that's exactly 36000 yen to collect them all. Please, we want to see a hardcore Yutaka fan amass a complete collection, just for the sheer insanity.

Hoshino Hidehiko "Kiss Me" Lip Cream: 600 yen. Includes soybean oil, sunflower oil, aloe vera, shea butter, cocao butter, and tocopherols. It doesn't say what it smells like, so let's hope it smells like Hoshino Hidehiko's sweaty armpits. Kiss from #SexyBeastHide himself not included. Not suitable for use as lube.


Hoshino Hidehiko "Touch Me" Hand Cream: 2500 yen. The full list of ingredients is on the web site. Unfortunately, this isn't quite the all-botanical artisanal hand cream you'd hope to see for sale on the scrubbed-wood side table of a hipster cafe in Jiyuugaoka where everyone is wearing a pale grey suede sacosh. But it's getting there. Again, it doesn't say what the fragrance of this is, so let's hope it smells like #SexyBeastHide's manly musky mojo. Black magic not included. Not suitable for use as lube.


Imai Hisashi Lunch Eater Pasta Box: 3200 yen. This lunch box is especially designed for pasta and it even comes with one of Imai's favorite pasta recipes. For those of you who didn't know: Imai's main non-music hobby is cooking. He throws parties for his friends and cooks fancy food for them. We're going to hazard a guess that he knows his shit in the kitchen. We just hope these recipes aren't for shiso hot pepper pasta! Bonus points to that throwback to the lyrics from "BUSTER." We saw what you did there. We love you.

Yagami Toll Doramu Sake Set 1: 2500 yen. This is Toll sake, Fancy Bar Version! Those of you who went out for sake with Cayce that time... omg remember these things? How to use it: pour the sake into the glass till it overflows into the wooden cup. Keep pouring till the wooden cup is in danger of overflowing, too. Bend your head over the table and slurp the sake off the top before lifting the glass out of the box for the toast. This is 100% real and true and excellent Japanese pub etiquette (we are actually not joking! Sake is a serious matter! We would never lie to you about sake!!!) Just please, don't drink Doramu out of this glass. It has a cat with a mohawk on it. It deserves better.


Yagami Toll Doramu Sake Set 2: 3500 yen. This is Toll sake, Cheap Pub Version! Fun fact: one time, Toll left his sake at the bar and Cayce drank the rest of it because FREE SAKE and maybe it had Toll's spit in it too actually that's a lie that story never happened OR DID IT? Anyway, whether or not the story is true, the sake was totally in a tokkuri (carafe) like this one, because this is Japanese dive bar chic. Holy fuck it has Toll's face on it. With Harry Potter lightning bolts. Could this be any more class-kitsch-awesome? We may be hyperventilating. We may die.

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Oh, what... Cayce forgot something?

Forgot something, you say?

Nope, we didn't forget it.

We just passed out dead before we could post it, and had to take smelling salts and a pinch of mama's secret wink wink washing powder from out of our Kurumi iPeen case bag in order to recover.

Why is the font color blood red all of a sudden?

What's with all this organ music?

What's that smell?

Oh, right, it must be the...

Atsushi "Mr. Mortalite" Sakurai Art Nerd Mortality Vanitas Renaissance Death Shroud the Goths Are All Jealous and Nosebleeding Black Blood Over This Sexual XXXXX Auto-Erotic Scarf-on-Head Scarf Fetish Museum Shop Display Case Art Scarf: 85,000,000 yen. Ahem. I mean, 8500 yen. We... we're... we're... drowning... naked... in a tub... of black vodka... and pomegranate kernels... the black candles are melting slowly all over our skull candelabrum and we can't even reach the incense burner to light some more incense... our body feels filled with the fretful wingbeats of a thousand moths and butterflies, fluttering the fruitlessness of existence which must all too soon fade to dust as the flowers withereth... here we lie in stupor, a hypnogogic dream-state as heady, sultry and intoxicating as the world beyond the opium pipe... the wine of passion drips from our lips, yet we are struck dumb  as if by the razing current of a lightning flash... O dawn, red flame of Truth! Life flashes past in but an instant, yet yea, Art is Eternal.

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...we're dead. Drape this over our corpse, pls.

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honestly, we've never cried so hard over a tour goods design.

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...*sniffle* The Mortal was the best band.

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As always, if you'd like to order any of these items through Cayce, email us at themadaristocrat at gmail asap.

Note: There are also trading cards and a pamphlet available as always. If you're interested in ordering either of these through us, just shoot us an email.

5 comments:

  1. Hahaha... I don't know about you hyperventilating but now I am. I was wondering what write-up you were going to give the goods when I gazed covetously at/side-eyed (delete as appropriate depending on the Goods In Question) the listing on the official site last night. Well, you don't disappoint Cayce! Bonus points for all the digs at *that* infamous grey suede bag... I couldn't contain my laughter (as much as I love Hide...).
    Also, I still haven't calmed down since the Parade weekend... can't wait till Kobe!

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  2. Cayce thank you for being you!

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  3. Dig the last one so hard! Thank you very much for your lively report XD

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  4. I love this! Thank you, Cayce, for being you and for your great and fine sense of humor!

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