The Hisashi Inquirer
LIVE at Roppongi XXXXX! Theater
Buck-Tick Full Frontal FIRSTHAND!
What I Touched That Day
“NOT SOFT AND SQUISHY,
BUT HARD AND MUSCULAR”
As the most widely-circulated tabloid in the Republic of Buck-Tickistan, we, The Hisashi Inquirer, pride ourselves on always having our ears to the grapevine and our noses to the ground, listening for new wine and sniffing out new dirt! And in practical terms, what that means is this: if you’re in the front row at a Buck-Tick show…well, we see you there, and we saw what you did there ;)
And thus it happened that on the night of Thursday, November 13th, at the Roppongi XXXXX! Theater (an all-new venue for Buck-Tick!) who should we see in the front row but a one Ms. Fanny Cockshott-Shufflebottom (age 42, Penistone, South Yorkshire, UK) putting on an AUDACIOUS show of her fangirly devotions to her favorite band member! (Or was it her favorite band member’s member? We had to know!) Straining through our stalker-binoculars for a closer look as she shamelessly BUTTered up the band, we had to jealously wonder…is this Ms. Fanny one of those girls we’ve all heard about!? Is the name “Fish Tank” really just an abbreviation of “Fishy Tanky Hanky Panky” to those in the know (in the Biblical sense)?? Have all the stories on Titrag Tanuki been true all along???
As we watched the shocking goings-down up front, we realized that this might just be the dirtiest dirt we’ve dug all season, so naturally we had one of our reporters (who speaks fluent British!) track down Ms. Fanny after the show for an EXCLUSIVE interview on the Buck-Tick foreign fan FULL FRONTAL EXPERIENCE: The Inside Story, ONLY at the Hisashi Inquirer!
WHO is Fanny Cockshott-Shufflebottom, WHO did she TOUCH, and WHERE???
Read on to find out more!
Hisashi Inquirer: Pleased to meet you, Fanny. Can we call you Fanny?
Fanny: Feel free to call me Fanny.
Hisashi Inquirer: Have we spelled your name right, Fanny?
Fanny: No, I'm afraid you haven't. Cockshott has two t’s on the end.
Hisashi Inquirer: Sorry about that! Thank you for the correction…we do want to make sure we spell it correctly when we put it in print!
Fanny: You’re going to print this?
Hisashi Inquirer: Yes, m’dear. We’re a tabloid, after all. And to that end, would you mind if we ask you a few highly inappropriate personal questions?
Fanny: Fire away.
Hisashi Inquirer: So to start off, you say you’re from northern England. What’s the Buck-Tick fan scene like there?
Fanny: There’s no Buck-Tick fan scene to speak of, but there is a picture of a giant with a giant cock carved into the chalk cliffs down south.
Hisashi Inquirer: Look at the size of that thing! Has Gothique Prince Acchan seen this one?
Fanny: I doubt it. Word is last time he was in London he spent most of the trip drinking beer out of Raymond Watts’ boots.
Hisashi Inquirer: Beer out of boots? Is that a British tradition?
Fanny: Quite right it is!
Hisashi Inquirer: You Britons are a strange lot! And did Raymond Watts also imbibe beer out of Gothique Prince Acchan’s boots, then?
Fanny: Word is that he did.
Hisashi Inquirer: And how did the British Buck-Tick fangirls respond to that one? Were they titillated? Oh wait, since you said there’s no Buck-Tick fan scene to speak of, does that mean you’re the only Buck-Tick fangirl in the country? Were you titillated, then?
Fanny: No, as a matter of fact, there are three of us. And Raymond, of course. We were all titillated.
Hisashi Inquirer: With so few fans around, doesn’t it get lonely?
Fanny: Not at all. That’s what the internet is for! We have a corking good time checking Kiyoshi’s Twitter account for pictures of knackered drunk Imai, watching that At The Night Side bit where Hide falls off the stage over and over while having a good chuckle, and posting about Mr. Sakurai’s hairy muscles on Facebook.
Hisashi Inquirer: My, my, hairy muscles, that does sound exciting! But however exciting the internet may be, it can’t compete with seeing Buck-Tick in the panting, moaning, sweaty flesh, can it?
Fanny: No, it absolutely can’t! That’s why I traveled from the UK all the way to Tokyo, specifically for this concert!
Hisashi Inquirer: So are we to assume you procured your concert tickets through Fish Tank?
Fanny: That’s correct.
Hisashi Inquirer: Can you tell us anything about the rumor that the name “Fish Tank” is an abbreviation of “Fishy Tanky Hanky Panky” to those in the know?
Fanny: If there is a know, I confess I’m not in it at present. But I do have a good friend, I met her on the BTkontakte social network, her name is Maria Anastasia. And she’s a citizen of Buck-Tickistan, so I trust what she told me: “In Buck-Tickistan, the Know is in You.”
Hisashi Inquirer: I see. Anyhow, can you tell us how it was that you ended up in the front row?
Fanny: I had ticket number three!
Hisashi Inquirer: What smashing good luck! Or was it luck?
Fanny: It wasn’t luck, it was my natural charm! Again, as Maria Anastasia told me, “In Buck-Tickistan, Ticket Number chooses YOU!”
Hisashi Inquirer: Quite true, quite true! So tell us, what was it like to hold ticket number 3?
Fanny: I like threesomes, so I found it quite pleasurable.
Hisashi Inquirer: Can you elaborate?
Fanny: Oh my, well they gave us the royal treatment. When the doors opened, security escorted us two by two, right up to the front of the concert hall! I must say, these Japanese security guards are very serious on the job…directing us like military officers, they were, in their naughty little hats. My but I do love a man in uniform. They wouldn’t let us break ranks until we got smack up to the front railing!
Hisashi Inquirer: Whereupon you secured the spot right in the center of the front row.
Fanny: That I did. I was lucky in that the Roppongi XXXXX! Theater has that stage extension bit that sticks out, so the band members can come up close and personal, if you see what I mean.
Hisashi Inquirer: I’m afraid we don’t quite see what you mean. Could you explain further?
Fanny: Well you know, there’s usually a gap of about a meter between the railing and the edge of the stage, but some venue stages have that stick-out bit in the center, so the band members can come right down to the edge of the railing, which means that if you’re in the front row, you can touch them with your own bare hands!
Hisashi Inquirer: Ah yes, the “David Cop-a-feel.” A British classic.
Fanny: Now you’re catching on.
Hisashi Inquirer: We saw what you did there, you know. We saw you do it.
Fanny: Saw me do what?
Hisashi Inquirer: We know you hit it.
Fanny: Ah yes, I did.
Hisashi Inquirer: We know who you did it to, too.
Fanny: If you’da been there, you’da hit it, too!
Hisashi Inquirer: We can’t deny that! So, what did it feel like?
Fanny: To hit it?
Hisashi Inquirer: Yes.
Fanny: Like I reached out and touched faith.
Hisashi Inquirer: What a poetic way to describe it! However, we’re a tabloid, not a poetry review. So could you be a bit more explicit for our readers—WHOSE what did you hit?
Fanny: I hit on Acchan’s bum.
Hisashi Inquirer: I see! And how, exactly, did you accomplish this?
Fanny: Well, it was one of those dancey-dance songs…I think it’s called “Bimbo,” is that the right one? Anyhow, Mr. Acchan came right down the stage and right about stood on my head, with his feet planted right in front of my, um, ladies, if you see what I mean, gyrating his bits around as he does, quite close to this old girl’s face, in fact. Bit of a surprise at my age, I must admit! Though I did notice he was wearing very nice tights…lovely flocked brocade, my mum would have approved. She was a dressmaker, you see, and she always did have an eye for good material, though I’m sure if she’d been there, she’d have told him to put on some bloody knickers!
Hisashi Inquirer: Do you mean to tell us he wasn’t wearing any?
Fanny: No, sir, he was not. When I fondled his bum I fondled no panty lines whatever.
Hisashi Inquirer: So tell us more about Acchan’s bum.
Fanny: Well, seeing as he was so close up to me, I reached around to his backside and gave him a good hard smack on the cheek...we all know he likes it, the naughty boy!
Hisashi Inquirer: We can’t deny it. However, perhaps you can clarify something for us—recently fangirls have alleged that Mr. Sakurai has been getting fatter with age, and that his old-man bum is now "soft and squishy." Would you say this is an accurate assessment?
Fanny: Respectfully, Mr. Inquirer, it’s a bollocks assessment. Acchan’s bum is most certainly not "soft and squishy," but rather hard, and muscular.
Hisashi Inquirer. Well now! Is that so?
Fanny: Of course it is. I mean, we’re all friends here. Why would I lie with you?
Hisashi Inquirer: Of course you wouldn’t lie, we believe you completely. So there you have it, fangirls! What Gothique Prince Acchan’s bum really feels like, straight from a primary source! So tell us Ms. Fanny, did you touch any other noteworthy parts of Gothique Prince Acchan, and if so, what did they feel like?
Fanny: Hm, well, his shoes were a very nice leather, my mum definitely would have approved of them too, though I don’t think she’d fancy how sweaty his hands were. If she had him around for tea, I’m sure she’d insist that he wash them before she let him in the house. After all, you never know where they’ve been!
Hisashi Inquirer: Ah yes, I see your point. So what part of him do you fancy, Fanny?
Fanny: Well his calf muscles are quite nicely rounded, a more pleasant shape than Mr. Hisashi’s which I also had the privilege of fondling, but which turned out to be a bit flat for my tastes, I’m sorry to say…though Mr. Acchan’s been exercising so much lately that I’m afraid he’s now swollen and rock hard.
Hisashi Inquirer: Come again?
Fanny: Too much muscle! You can see it through the fabric of his very fine tights, just like one of those superheroes in the comics...quadriceps, gluteus maximus, everything! I’m afraid it’s a bit too much for me. I prefer my men a bit more plump.
Hisashi Inquirer: Plump? Like who?
Fanny: Like Hoshino Hidehiko! (blushes)
Hisashi Inquirer: Are you telling us that #SexyBeastHide has fallen victim to the Law of Conservation of Buck-Tick Mass? [Note: The Law of Conservation of Buck-Tick Mass states that the combined mass of the band members shall remain constant. Therefore, any weight lost by one band member must be gained by another.]
Fanny: Well, I never did have much of a head for physics. All I know is that when he sauntered over to me in his slim white pinstriped suit and planted his virile feet right before me, I lost control and gave in to the tantalizing temptation to run my hands rapturously up and down his long, lean, luscious legs…and then I noticed it.
Hisashi Inquirer: Noticed what?
Fanny: His love handle!
Hisashi Inquirer: His what?
Fanny: Ah, it was a glorious sight to behold, Mr. Inquirer. A smooth brown sliver of it peeped out from beneath the fine Egyptian cotton of his pressed black shirt, where the shirt had come untucked from Mr. Hoshino’s belt in the course of his devastatingly dashing dancing. Yes, Mr. Inquirer, a smooth sliver of firm brown bare Hide-flesh peeped out at me from above his belt, so soft and ever-so-slightly rounded, because either Hide’s trousers are a mite too small or Hide’s gotten ever-so-slightly plump, just the way I like it! How lovingly I gazed upon that sliver of flesh as it peeped out at me, as if it were calling to me, “pinch me, pinch me!” Unable to contain myself any longer, I reached out my trembling hand and pinched it. And then, Hide bent his rugged, manly face down towards mine, and winked at me.
Hisashi Inquirer: Surely, the hot tears of a thousand fangirls are falling into the soft cotton of their pillows as they cry themselves to sleep with jealousy after reading this article, don’t you think, Ms. Fanny?
Fanny: They surely are, Mr. Inquirer. But their tears are neither so hot nor so numerous as the tears of passion and excitement falling in my soft cotton knickers right now!
~end of interview~
Source: The Hisashi Inquirer, vol. 47, number 69.
Translated from Japanese by Cayce.
Note: Since posting this I've received a few inquiries from readers as to whether the information contained in this article is "true." Folks, I would like to remind you: everything you read on the internet is true. I thought we had been over this several times already.