11.11.14

Tracing the Origins of Buck-Tickistan

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An essay by Maria Anastasia Hisashiyevna Sakuraina.
(Published last week in the Hisashi Inquirer)

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Many times previously on this blog, Cayce has referred to the cuisine, people and traditions of Buck-Tickistan, but what many of you who are insufficiently well-versed in geographic knowledge may not have realized is that Buck-Tickistan is a real place: a former Soviet republic located near the Amur River, on the Asian mainland northwest of Hokkaido.  Founded at the nexus between China, Mongolia, Russia and the northern finger of the Sea of Japan, the land of Buck-Tickistan holds a long, romantic and truly multicultural memory of the diverse genres of people who have swankily tangoed and done the 'I Love You' on its soil in ages past.

The speculation has been bandied about by many that Mr. Sakurai is not of 100% Japanese lineage…after all, he’s unusually tall, has unusually large muscles, unusually special body hair, and his eyes are a funny shape.  It’s true!  Far from being pure Japanese, Mr. Sakurai’s is of Buck-Tickistani extraction, on his father’s side.  In fact, the ancient Achan people had already been living in the area that would later become known as Buck-Tickistan for centuries when a boatload of Cossacks sailed down the river, tied up the natives, and spread dirty whispers throughout the land of the fearsome power of their new stronghold, a fort they named Achansk. The Cossack invasion thus sparked numerous armed conflicts between the Russians, the Buck-Tickistani natives, and the Manchu army, led by a one Commander Haise (an archaic spelling of Hisashi). Commander Hisashi attacked Fort Achansk but was defeated and taken prisoner.  Nevertheless, he adapted successfully to the local ways, becoming and indispensable part of local culture, and eventually helping to found the region as a new nation, conceived in anarchy and dedicated to the proposition that all people were born to fly high.  The rest, as you know, is history.

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Note from Cayce: this essay may or may not be a highly inaccurate and garbled bastardization of the early history of Khabarovsk, pilfered from Wikipedia.

We are as yet still unable to verify if Buck-Tickistan is, in fact, a real place, or if it exists only on paper and in the hearts and minds of its exiled citizens who still long for their long-lost anarchist utopia.

However, we're fairly certain of the fact that Maria Anastasia is being a troll.

10 comments:

  1. Next time they're conducting the population census in Russia I'm enlisting as an Achan.

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    1. The descendants of the Achans are surely still living all over Siberia. Who knows, you might actually be one for real.

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    2. But I'm trying to hide it and disguise as a gloomy dweller of the Northwest. Perkele vittu!

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  2. Its very interesting, Maria Anastasya says the truth… because I was thinking that Sakurai was Ainu, and they have Russian ancestry . Very bad the commander Hisashi, because the achans exploitation are his Modus Vivendi now .

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    1. Nobody knows what was really going on with Sakurai's family but I have a feeling someone somewhere in there wasn't telling the whole truth re parentage.

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  3. x-D
    Марья Хисашиевна, you little wonder you.
    x-D x-D x-D

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    1. Марья ХисашиевнаNovember 13, 2014 at 1:39 AM

      Maria Anastasia likes this.

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  4. ...Oh, sorry, this was Anna from Moscow. Not the Tumblr one, another one. (In fact, as you probably do already know, we're a legion.)
    Pleased to make your acquaintance.

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    1. I'm not sure I know Anna from Moscow on Tumblr, but I'm pleased to make your acquaintance, too :) (As is Maria Anastasia...probably.)

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  5. Hi Cayce, I'm a big fan and follower of your blog, because I love anything BUCK-TICK and your style of writing always puts a smile on my face. Every day when I open my e-mail, I hope to find a post from you, so please write sth everyday!!!! Onegai!!!! Since we're talking about origins, do you think the vocalist of Vaniru Leoneil (or how ever they spell it) and Acchan have the same origin? I mean genetically, if you have heard the rumours. ;) I just wanted to know what you think. Cheers!!!

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