Hey, kids! What with the perfume of spring hanging redolent in the air, the flowers blooming, and everybody out of work for Golden Week, it's not exactly a work-hard moment here in Tokyo, but Buck-Tickistan keeps disgorging its cartoon cats on us, and we've been remiss in informing y'all of the facts - sorry about that! It's nice to take a break from email and live a little, but seeing that our main job and purpose in life is feverish blogging about Buck-Tick despite the fact that we've never received any credit or great fortune from our efforts, we know that we have a duty to y'all to keep you hip to the down-low. And boy, is it down low.
Buck-Tick have released a great number of special goods items over the years - everything from wine to perfume to music boxes that play Jupiter - but even among those, this one is particularly special. Released as a limited edition tour goods item, and produced by hand in a quantity of 500 only with love and a sterling pedigree of traditional craftsmanship by an ancient Japanese lucky cat factory in Aichi Prefecture with a century of lucky cats and
tacky deluxe character goods to its name, this lucky cat, reportedly modeled on Mr. Sakurai's own beloved lover and pet cat Kurumi, retailed for 16,200 Japanese yen, and each one came with its own serial number. However, you can't buy them anymore, because a few short hours after going on sale, they sold out.
Of course they sold out. Who wouldn't want a lucky cat produced by Mr. Sakurai! Lucky cats are cute, and Mr. Sakurai is even cuter! That lucky cat factory is the bestest lucky cat factory in Japan! It produces lucky cats from a great tangle of chugging brass gears, making sexy steampunk noises while doing it! What could possibly go wrong?
This, kids. This is what could go wrong.
It is with great but mostly-fastidiously-concealed chagrin and distaste that we present to you the Sakurai Sphinx Sexmonster Fucky Lucky Cat, here to confirm all the Edo Japan negative stereotypes about cats, and haunt your Mumatic nightmares forevermore.
Yes, we know. Questions abound! Why, if this cat is based on Kurumi, does it have stripes and not spots? Why is this cat so fat, considering that Mr. Sakurai is a hunk of superhero muscle and Kurumi is a lithe and lissome minx? Why, if this cat is based on Kurumi, does it have Sakurai's terrifyingly human face in place of an ultra-kawaii feline muzzle? Why, if this cat is based on Kurumi, does it not only have a scarf sexually draped over its head, but also a strategically-placed mask positioned to hide its arousal? Also, why the fuck does that mask face look so much like Genet from Auto-Mod? That's so 2005, jeez!
Also, most importantly, how did dear Mr. Sakurai react when he first laid eyes on this design? No, wait - let us take a guess. He reacted like this:
Caption: "I LUV TROLLING FANGIRLS AND GETTING AWAY WITH IT. MOAR PLS. NOW TIME TO BUY SOME LACY WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR I'LL PRETEND I THINK THEY CAN'T SEE. BREAK, INTERNET! I PRITHEE, BREAK!"
Congratulations, Mr. Sakurai. We're very pleased you've joined with us in the noble ranks of trolls, fighting the good fight and provoking reactions out of easy targets just because they're so damn easy. After fifty you have nothing to lose. Don't hold back! Let it all out!
But if you think Mr. Sakurai is trying too hard here, we encourage you to cut him some slack. After all, he just finished a stint as an NPC in Crystal of Reunion, the game for which "Salome" (probably entirely inappropriately) was the theme song. In fact, there was a whole Buck-Tick tie-in for this game... just check out these B-T avatars! Sakurai looks like he had one of those terrifying jawbone-shaving procedures the K-pop kids are all getting these days! Lucky this is art and not a photograph!
As part of this tie-in, players could also equip their characters with a virtual "Stained with Blood" Maimai guitar, and a virtual "Tollhohawk Towering Through Heaven" with which you could break down walls!
But as for "Demon King" Sakurai, all he wanted was...
Photos shamelessly stolen from someone's Tumblr, we don't know whose. Sorry, Tumblr-er.
For those of you who wonder why Mr. Sakurai appears to be missing a few fingers... we don't know, but maybe one of the cats he petted wasn't quite so friendly as she looked. Then again, if we were a cat and someone named us Patty, we might have a fairly big chip on our shoulders, too. Kids, if you're going to name your cat Patty, at least name her Patti after Patti Smith. Or Peppermint Patty or something. Patty alone is simply not enough.
Also, wow, check it out! Crystal of Reunion is available in English! Turns out if you sell things to overseas customers, you can make more money. Amazing! How about that! Then again, I suppose Buck-Tick's management may be figuring that out, seeing as they ever-so-slyly uploaded a bunch of B-T songs to Spotify without making an announcement of any kind. Really, now! Itunes and now Spotify! I seem to recall Someone Who Isn't Me posting a public suggestion to that effect a few months ago! It's almost like they're reading this blog, isn't it? Hey, Buck-Tick's management: if you're reading this blog, why doncha send us a "thanks for the feedback," instead of lurking around like some forum lurker from the Geocities era, eh?
Also, to the Russians who criticized us at the time: does that Spotify in your mouth taste good? If you're not sure, why don't you forcefully stick your finger into Mr. Sakurai's mouth at a show and find out what he thinks? It may be sexual assault, but it also might induce him to give birth to a second horrifying monster for us all to enjoy. All's well that ends well, right?
Anyhow, if all this madness weren't enough for you, it turns out that Buck-Tick will be releasing Climax Together 3rd and Buck-Tick: The Climax to DVD and BluRay after all. The release will be a two-disc set, with the first disc containing Buck-Tick: The Climax, and the second containing the live footage of Climax Together 3rd. The BluRay will cost 12960 yen, while the DVD will cost 11880 yen. Fans who reserve either item before May 20th will receive a bonus photobook. If you'd like our help ordering this item, just shoot us an email. For the full track list, visit Buck-Tick's web site here.
Also, folks, we hope you appreciated how somehow, Climax Together was the anti-climax of this post.
And if you'd like Imai's leopard print hoodie, again, email us. We're off for Golden Week from May 3rd to May 6th, but we will be back and bad and ready to take your orders on May 7th, so don't hesitate.