12.6.18

Buck-Tick's Bazaar of Bizarre

Hello, folks. As you may have noticed, the administrative and commercial public service announcements have been pouring forth from the Buck-Tickistan Office of National Propaganda at an alarming rate, and even more alarmingly, Cayce appears to have vanished from the blogosphere. Time for much hand-wringing and Discord with a capital D!

As a matter of fact, for all of y'all who've been sowing discord on Discord - know that while we don't read Discord, our minions do. Therefore, we would like to allay the rumors that we have vanished. We are very much still here (albeit in non-corporeal form). We are cooking up a Six/Nine cake for you. We are also wading through a nasty bog of bureaucratic red tape and Personal Life Issues that have severely cut down on our blogging time, but we assure you, we will be back in full capacity in July.

Anyhow, better late than never, we're here with answers to some of your burning questions.

Question 1. Whatever the fuck happened to the Buck-Tick web shop? 

Answer: The Buck-Tick web shop is still the same as it ever was, though they have raised their shipping rates even higher than before. Apparently, they even still ship overseas, though they request that customers who wish to use this option email them first to inquire about it. If it's anything like it used to be, they'll be sending all orders by EMS and charging close to 6000 yen in shipping. For those of you who want to order items from the Buck-Tick web shop more easily, feel free to contact us. We are happy to order on your behalf. For smaller orders especially, ordering through us will probably turn out to be cheaper for you.

Question 2. If the Buck-Tick web shop is still there, what's all this about a No. 0-themed internet-based Huge Crap Sale?

Answer: Shhh, don't let Buck-Tick's merchandising manager hear you call the all-new No. 0 web shop a "crap sale"! She's likely to get offended and inform you huffily that the No. 0 web shop is not a "huge crap sale" (as you so indecorously put it), but a targeted leveraging of Buck-Tick's brand-recognition and member popularity to move units of lifestyle-oriented novelty items to an insular but actively engaged fanbase with high levels of disposable income. Also, please do not snippily retort that the term "lifestyle-oriented novelty items" is nothing but marketing jargon for "weird, useless crap." You'll just make her more angry.

Plus, who could call the following items "crappy"?

You can't hide it. We know that you, like every last person in Japan, has lost all interest in the real world populated by real human beings, and is instead desperately wishing at each moment that everyone around would miraculously transform into slightly ugly anime characters, ripe to be marketed on everything from coffee mugs to panties. These Buck-Tick member keychains are random-choice, meaning that you don't know who you'll get when you order them - but we've heard they're about 75% Imai, so clearly it's a win-win situation for all involved.


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But if those aren't cute enough for you, shucks, look! It's a tiny tour truck! If you, like us, collected every last one of those Buck-Tick gacha-gacha figurines, this is your golden chance to pack them up and send them on a tour of your entire bedroom (bonus points if you make sure they're chased the whole way by a horde of screaming dolls much larger than they are. Even more bonus points if they perform "Sasayaki" for live for your sex toy collection.)


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And wow, if Yutaka weren't a bassist, just think of what a great marketer of instant foods he'd be! Just check out that label. "Serious Beef," indeed! Charles Bronson would be proud. 


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And if you'd ever dreamed of deep-throating Imai's guitar neck, isn't this Evil Guitar toothbrush set the next-best thing? Think of all the bacteria growing in your mouth right now, and how much better they'd look growing on Imai's face, and brush your teeth like you, too, have golden cyberpunk letters embedded in them! You may still never be as cool as Imai, but you can always dream.


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"The bacteria on Imai's face is all well and good," you say, "But I really wish I had the face of Acchan-chan's cats. After all, if I did, then he'd love me." WELL, my friend, in that case, we have JUST THE THING! This set of moisturizing face masks will not only shave 20 years off your life, they will literally turn your face into each of the faces on the package! If you were really jealous of that time in Harry Potter when Hermione accidentally transformed herself into an anthropomorphized cat by mistake, you can do her one better! Just pop on this Kurumi face pack and instantly become a cat-faced lady with smooth skin, perky boobies and an adorable kitty muzzle the likes of which has certainly never been seen on any Buck-Tick-produced lucky cat! Not only that, but remember, Acchan-chan himself is included in here too! Ever wondered what Mr. Sakurai's face would look like stuck on the body of a 25-year-old Indonesian girl or a 6-foot-2 French punk with a mohawk and a zillion tattoos? Nothing to do but find out!!! One-time-use only, but ohhhh just imagine the roleplay! Plus, it moisturizes your face, too!


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But if you think that's good, look at THIS, my friends. Last time, they gave us drug baggies I mean sandwich bags. This time, they've given us the deluxe case treatment: a drug box emblazoned with excitingly brightly-colored B-T pills! Take your Buck-Tick "addiction" to the next level, and let B-T help you organize your drugs by color, size, shape, and vintage, all the livelong day! Hide your illicit substances in the best possible place: right out in the open, snuggled in with your anti-depressants, extra-strength painkillers, and Tic-Tacs from 1997! Japanese fans may not be able to laugh at Imai's arrest, but he doesn't need them too. He's perfectly capable of laughing at it all on his own. This may be one of the best items Buck-Tick have ever produced, and for once, we're not even joking.

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That was just a taste of the No. 0 web shop. For the rest, click here. If any of y'all want our help ordering items, just let us know. We won't judge you.

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Question 3. What's all this about a Fish Tank renewal?

Answer: Buck-Tick's management are porting Fish Tank Web over to EMTG, the same system that manages the No. 0 web shop. What this means, on a practical level: if you want to join Fish Tank or renew your membership, do it right away, because the convenience store/ATM payment system will be offline between June 19th and July 2nd, and the credit card payment system will be offline between June 26th and July 2nd. The new Fish Tank Web site is due to open at 10AM on July 2nd, and let's hope that it's better than the current website, because for a band who wrote a song called "Living on the Net," the current website goes beyond embarrassment and deep into the land of shame.

Those of you who are already members, don't worry - your information will be ported over to the new site. However, the first time you log in to the new site, you'll have to use new log-in info, as follows:

Log-in ID: your 5-digit fanclub ID number
Password: your birthday, in numerals, in the formal YYYYMMDD (if Mr. Sakurai were a member of Fish Tank, his password would be 19660307, to give y'all an idea).

Also, credit card information will not be ported to the new site, so those of you who have credit cards registered to the current site will have to re-register them to the new site once it comes online.

If y'all appreciated this information, please write to Fish Tank and encourage them to hire us as an English translator so we can do this in an official capacity instead of doing it on the DL for no money under constant fear that Fish Tank will bust down our door late one night and clap us in irons. Thanks.

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Question 4. Cayce, what do you think of the pendants Yutaka designed?

Answer: What, you mean these pendants? 



We think they're lovely. If any of you would like helping ordering them, just let us know.

Question 5. Was the Cursed Cat Shrine at the Osaka No. 0 shows the Most Osaka-Style Buck-Tick Joke Ever?

Answer: Very definitely. After all, their baseball team are the Tigers! Plus, we heard tell that even Mr. Sakurai himself offered a prayer or two. Please, God of Underwear, take these lace knickers off our cheeks... sincerely, your humble servant...




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8 comments:

  1. Oh gosh, is there a phantom tank out there??
    I mean, we all joke that we know your true identity (one of Imai's pedal board setups gone sentient and delightfully snarky) but we get how life goes!

    Anyways, thank you so much for clearing up what's going on with the web shop and fan club! I'm glad to see that they've decided to stop running everything on a DSL line in the back of Imai Shouten!

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  2. WHY. I just... WHy. I really wish I could meet the people who think of these. They must be pretty interesting fellows. Love them.
    HOWEVER. I don't want to see the facemask with Sakurai's face (Does it actually has his face on the mask? Jeesus. I hate facemasks) God forbid I run into one. Please, internet.

    Oh, Cayce. I was laughing hysterical while reading this whole post. As always, it is so good to read you, I hope things get better for you.
    I was thinking about getting... something from the shop, but I hadn't decided yet. And these don't help.. haha.

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  3. Cayce, thank you! So much!
    This is one of the best posts you ever wrote - all that snark, fun and great wording.
    You not only made my day with this, you made my whole week! Thank you!
    And I hope things get better for you soonish.

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  4. Lol, Cayce you made me laugh again as usual. Thank you for the update on everything and for your commentary. As a FT Discord member tho, I can guarantee we've never doubted or debated whether you'd keep your promise about 6/9. Now I don't know what your "source" said you, but they're wrong. Anyway, hoping that everything goes well for you in all directions and waiting for any of your posts.

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  5. Imai's toothbrush would go well with Sigmund Freud's banana flavored toothpaste.

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  6. lapis.philosophorumJune 19, 2018 at 1:48 PM

    Crap sale for snobs! Nothing more and nothing less!

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  7. Eu amei esses pingentes do Uta , gostaria de saber quanto custaria para enviar para meu país , bem que já vendi um rim, um pulmão e a alma para encomendar os DVDs do Climax Together on screen e o The Parade ,só vendendo meu marido agora.

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  8. Cayce!

    I just wanted to update you/anyone who reads the comments that Buck-Tick just did a major rehaul of their site and...THERE'S AN ENGLISH TRANSLATION OF EVERYTHING NOW!

    Love and Media Portable is now open to International fans, and Fish Tank's instructions are even in English now!

    I feel like your lighting a fire under all of our asses to write in actually produced something good!!

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