For those of you who don't know, for two consecutive weekends, DOOM came to Tokyo in the form of the Snowpocalypse. I'm aware that Blog-Tick has many Russian and Canadian readers, and I'm here to tell you, even you would not have scoffed at this snow. It was Real Snow. But seeing as Tokyo normally never gets real snow, the situation was dire. Trains stopped, trains crashed. Child-sized igloos popped up on the streetcorners. The entire city was thrown into soggy white bedlam and mayhem. But what we really want to know is, What Would B-T Do? We turned to the Hisashi Inquirer and the Daily Toll to find out.
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The latest from the Tabloids of Buck-Tick Land
The Buck-Tick Members TELL ALL about how they spent the Tokyo Snowpocalypse!!
(The cover of this issue of the Hisashi Inquirer featured a clip art picture of Sakurai Atsushi from the Tenshi no Revolver tour, along with the headline, "It was SNOW WHITE out there!")
Hisashi Inquirer: So tell us, how did you spend the Tokyo Snowpocalypse? We're a tabloid. We want dirt. Dish!
Sakurai: I put out food for the neighborhood cats.
Sakurai: I put out food for the neighborhood cats.
Yutaka: I made a snow Acchan!
Toll: I made a snow Genet!
Hide: Two words: Women's Curling. #sexybeasthide
Imai: I followed these five easy steps.
Step 1. Turn off the lights.
Step 2. Turn on the guitar effects.
Step 3. Gaze at shoes.
Step 4. Let the magic begin!
Step 5. Go make spaghetti.
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Step 168923532. Take out teeth. Laugh hysterically.
Imai: I followed these five easy steps.
Step 1. Turn off the lights.
Step 2. Turn on the guitar effects.
Step 3. Gaze at shoes.
Step 4. Let the magic begin!
Step 5. Go make spaghetti.
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.
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Step 168923532. Take out teeth. Laugh hysterically.
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The Hisashi Inquirer also snagged an EXCLUSIVE invite to Tsuchiya Masami's midwinter gala red carpet EXTRAVAGANZA. Our purpose? To track down Motokatsu, of course! And track him down we did. Here's what he had to say.
Hisashi Inquirer: We're the Hisashi Inquirer, so we're going to inquire about Hisashi. Where is he now? Why isn't he here with you? And most importantly, are you the baby's father?
Motokatsu: We're very private people. Please stop asking personal questions.
Hisashi Inquirer: So can I ask an impersonal question then?
Motokatsu: Fire away.
Hisashi Inquirer: Do your glasses have lenses in them?
Motokatsu: No, they don't.
Hisashi Inquirer: Why not?
Motokatsu: Because they're hipster glasses, and I'm a hipster.
Our verdict: Imai is the biggest hipster of them all, so this means he must indeed be the mother of Motokatsu's child. We believe he missed out on the red carpet because he was home gazing at his shoes and lactating. We hope all you readers will pitch in a little something so we can send him a Jesus and Mary Chain nursing bra.
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DISCLAIMER: the above is all errant bullshit that I made up to make you all laugh. Except for Motokatsu's glasses. They really don't have lenses in them.
Hisashi Inquirer: We're the Hisashi Inquirer, so we're going to inquire about Hisashi. Where is he now? Why isn't he here with you? And most importantly, are you the baby's father?
Motokatsu: We're very private people. Please stop asking personal questions.
Hisashi Inquirer: So can I ask an impersonal question then?
Motokatsu: Fire away.
Hisashi Inquirer: Do your glasses have lenses in them?
Motokatsu: No, they don't.
Hisashi Inquirer: Why not?
Motokatsu: Because they're hipster glasses, and I'm a hipster.
Our verdict: Imai is the biggest hipster of them all, so this means he must indeed be the mother of Motokatsu's child. We believe he missed out on the red carpet because he was home gazing at his shoes and lactating. We hope all you readers will pitch in a little something so we can send him a Jesus and Mary Chain nursing bra.
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.
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DISCLAIMER: the above is all errant bullshit that I made up to make you all laugh. Except for Motokatsu's glasses. They really don't have lenses in them.
Rereading for the third time and still giggling. The Hisashi Inquirer should do more interviews (: The disclaimer, though? Soon you'll be telling us Ao and Atsushi aren't cousins!
ReplyDeleteSometimes I get concerned that Internet People really don't know I'm joking, and I feel the need to gently reassure them. But Ao and Atsushi are very definitely cousins, so have no fear. It says so in the Sakurai Family Registry.
DeleteYou made my day!)
ReplyDelete