Who's Your Daddy? or, Here Comes the Son! (Report by The Hisashi Inquirer)

You! Buck-Tick fans, we're talking to you! You're the REAL fans. You're the ones who write emails to Cayce of The Blog-Tick Phenomenon, asking for the dirt. No, not the dirt from under Hisashi Imai's fingernails. The REAL dirt. That is to say, WHO is having please me oh yes sexual tacos with Gothique Prince Acchan right now? WHO are the fruits of Gothique Prince Acchan's garter-clad loins, where are they, and what are they doing, right now? And most importantly, are they as juicily deadly sexily luscious as Gothique Prince Acchan, and even more most importantly, are they single????? Because if you can't have the dad's nads, the next best thing is having what came out of them, amirite ladeez?

Oh, but you thought you didn't have to ask, did you? You thought you knew the truth already, even though Cayce never stopped denying it? I know, you know, I know, it's been well known on the fangirl internet for many a year now: Leoneil Vaniru is the son of Atsushi Sakurai. Just look at the family resemblance! Leoneil is much younger, shorter, and less talented than our dear Gothique Prince Acchan! Smaller = clearly a miniature version of the original! And he has a beaky nose like Acchan, a trait not a single other man in Japan possesses, aside from the two of them! And what son of noble filial piety wouldn't want to cosplay his dad's ambiguously gay lover!!!!? I spring, you spring, we all spring for offspring!

Leoneil Vaniru:

Not Leoneil Vaniru but verifiedly made out with Gothique Prince Acchan:

Leoneil Vaniru:

Not Leoneil Vaniru but verifiedly made out with Gothique Prince Acchan (omg is he Leoneil's mom!??!):

Then again... others of you also knew the truth. There's no way anyone who writes as many Buck-Tick / Der Zibet /Soft Ballet madlib mashups is the fruit of Gothique Prince Acchan's loins. Leoneil Vaniru is a homosexually inclined Gothique Prince Acchan fanboy. His mother was Billie Jean. Billie Jean was not Acchan's lover, she was just a girl who thought that he was the one. But the kid, Gothique Prince Acchan's real son, is this guy. Shotaro Mama Mia! Whoops, we meant Shotaru Mamiya. Just look at the way he scowls at that camera! It's is if he's already pulled the sword from the Stone of Buck-Tickistan, revealing himself as the one and only true heir!!! Internet fangirls sure know their stuff.

Practically indistinguishable, huh?

But then! The scandal broke!! The son of Atsushi Sakurai is, in fact, this lil' lipstick-loving bishonen by the name of Ten Yoshii, formerly presumed to be the son of The Yellow Monkey's Kazuya Yoshii. The photographic evidence leaves little doubt!

Kazuya Yoshii:

Atsushi Sakurai:

Ten "Yoshii":

Who's your daddy, eh, Ten? Who could he possibly be but Atsushi Sakurai!?!?! 

...so why are we still in doubt? If we knew all along which bishonen were/are the product(s) of Gothique Prince Acchan's reproductive processes... what is left for The Hisashi Inquirer to Report?

A SCOOP, that's what! A big scoop of Cream Soda I Scream!!!

As a matter of strictly rigorously ethical journalistic fact, major reputable news media outlets such as The Snobby Literary Press, Kyodo News, NHK, Hipster Novelists' Quarterly, and Troubled Children of Divorced Rock Stars Who Went to Law School and Were Going to Be Civil Servants But Found Themselves Instead and Became Award-Winning Novelists' Weekly, have all unearthed the Truth: the fruit of the loins of Gothique Prince Acchan (yeek! we said "loins" again!!) is none other than hipster hairdo model and 2020 winner of the acclaimed Akutagawa Prize for best literary story of the year, Haruka Tono! The Akutagawa Prize is one of Japan's top literary awards, and 29-year-old Haruka Tono (not his real name), born August 22nd, 1991 as the proud instigator of the less-than-yearlong shotgun marriage of his youthfully indiscretional parents, Buck-Tick frontman Atsushi Sakurai and former Buck-Tick stylist and seamstress of giant shoulder pads Sayuri Watanabe, is the first winner to have been born in the Heisei era (post-1988). Tono, who attended the prestigious Keio University law school, wears much more serious suits than his louche father, and previously won the Bungei literary prize for his work Kairyou ("Reform"). He was awarded the Akutagawa Prize for his work Hakyoku ("Breakup"), which, contrary to fangirl belief, is not about the oh-so-predictable end of his parents' ill-advised marriage, but, according to Japanese internet literature nerds, follows the life of a Japanese university student, Yousuke, a douchey, pompous tryhard overachiever who works on his macho muscles day and night, coaches high school rugby, thinks he's the smartest guy in town and his skillz with the ladeez can't be beat. He's studying to be a civil servant and dating a girl who plans to be a politician... but then he meets another girl, and cue disaster. Guess being macho and mansplainy wasn't the answer to everything after all. Jeez, Tono. You could have learned that one from your dad! (The Hisashi Inquirer cannot verify the accuracy of this synopsis, but since The Hisashi Inquirer rarely fact-checks anything, this is not unusual).

To unveil this highly unlikely combination of loins and fruit thereof, both father and son gave a joint interview to the literary magazine Bungei, with photographic evidence of their utter lack of familial resemblance, and Gothique Prince Acchan's subtle and slightly-embarrassed look of pride in his decorated offspring, who achieved fame purely on his own merits, because nobody in the literary awards scene has ever heard of Buck-Tick. Bravo, son! Live no longer in the shadow of your garter-clad dad!

Could this baby in Gothique Prince Acchan's arms possibly be the hipster haircut pictured above? If the baby's hipster haircut and the father's slightly embarrassed pride are anything to go on, then yes.

Meanwhile, as literature fangirls titter about the handsomeness of the newest Akutagawa awardee, we at The Hisashi Inquirer are wondering just exactly how Kazuya Yoshii fits into this puzzle after all.

Kazuya Yoshii:

Haruka Tono:

Who's son is the real son!!!? Could there be MORE scoops to come!? Stay tuned and find out!!!


Note from Cayce: The above article was translated from the original Buck-Tickistani by yours truly. The content represents solely the views of The Hisashi Inquirer, and not of Cayce or the Blog-Tick Phenomenon. For those of you who are understandably confused by this strange turn of events, some facts: yes, Mr. Sakurai publicly acknowledged Akutagawa Prize winner Tono Haruka as his biological son. While there has been no mention of who Tono's mother is, Sakurai and Buck-Tick's former stylist Watanabe Sayuri were married in 1991. She was already pregnant when they married, and gave birth to a son shortly thereafter. The two divorced less than a year later after some tabloids broke that Mr. Sakurai was having extramarital affairs (le shock). Watanabe quit being Buck-Tick's stylist and the band hired Yagi Tomoharu to replace her. Yagi has been the band's stylist ever since. No further information about Watanabe or the child was publicly confirmed. Tono Haruka was born on August 22nd, 1991, so if he isn't Watanabe's son, then Mr. Sakurai sure was getting around the town like a yowling tomcat. However, the logical assumption is that Tono is the biological son of Sakurai and Watanabe. Whether Tono Haruka is his real name or a pen name is unclear. Haruka did, indeed attend Keio University Law School. We haven't read his award-winning story, so we can't verify that the synposes are accurate, but from what we skimmed on book review sites, the general gist is correct. Serious reporting from The Hisashi Inquirer? We're frankly amazed. And yes, Yoshii Ten is the confirmed biological son of Yoshii Kazuya.


And thanks for the Ko-Fi, y'all. Keep it coming so we have enough caffeine to write award-winning novel-length notes on the remainder of Abracadabra.

1 comment:

How have you been heart feeling?