Mortali-Tees & More


Yes, it's a terrible pun, but if you look down on me for it, all I have to say to you is, those of you who look down your noses at terrible puns are not yet real adults. And also, as I have said before many times, contrary to popular stereotype, a goth without a sense of humor is nothing at all!

What am I talking about, you ask?

This, my friends. I'm talking about this.

What is this, you ask? Why, it's The Mortal's all new, limited edition NONE SO GOTHICAL tee-shirt, available for a limited time only, ONLY at select Tower Records stores! If you always wanted to be as goth as Acchan-chan, your chance has now arrived, so CALL now to get YOURS for just 3500 yen, tax included!!

AND, If you call within the next fifteen minutes, we'll even throw in an extra dose of mortality AND one of Acchan-chan's nose hairs, ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!! Just put on these shirts, and you can BE the goth queen you wished you were when you were thirteen (even if you're a boy!)! You know you want to! So what are you waiting for...CALL NOW at 0120-69-MORTALI-TEE and order yours RIGHT THIS MINUTE.

But wait...THERE'S MORE. These ONE-OF-A-KIND Mortali-Tees are made of 100% cotton, manufactured in China, but printed in Japan, with 200% Japanese high-tech printing technology!


Mortali-Tees come in sizes small, medium and LARGE...yes that means what you think it means!!!

AND if you ever wondered why it is that shirts designed by/for Mr. Sakurai always come in size LARGE when many of the other t-shirts only come in sizes small and medium, it's because only size LARGE is large enough to accommodate Mr. Sakurai's broad, virile shoulders and LARGE bulging muscles* 

(*large bulging muscles not included with your Mortali-Tee shirt order.)




In addition to the Mortali-Tees, Tower Records will ALSO be selling Mortali-Towels, as shown below!!! Wash your face with Mortality! Wipe your boobies dry with Mortality! Be no longer a Mere Mortal, be a Sheer Mortal!!!!!

If you CALL NOW, your Mortali-Towels will cost only 1500 yen each, tax included! They have been manufactured in Japan out of 100% cotton spun from the sustainably harvested fair-trade fur of GENUINE HELLO KITTIES, and measure 34 x 85 centimeters. The Mortali-Towels are not Tower Records limited items - they will also be sold as goods on This Mortal Tour, but they will go on sale at Tower Records FIRST along with the Mortali-Tees, so if you really want one, and we know you do, CALL NOW.

And by call now, we mean NOW! These LIMITED EDITION Mortali-Tees and Mortali-Towels will go on sale from Tuesday, October 13th, in honor of the release of the Spirit mini album, and will only be available while supplies last! They will be re-stocked again on November 10th, in honor of the release of the full album, I Am Mortal, but if you want to one-up your friends and keep up with the Japanese fans, CALL NOW to order yours TODAY.

Cayce will be visiting Tower Records on October 13th to pick up your copies of Spirit, so if you'd like to order either item through Cayce, there's still time - but make sure you CALL NOW. 0120-69-ACCHAN-CHAN or, for our American customers, 1-800-TELEPHONE-MURDER.


Ahem...hello folks, Cayce speaking. I apologize for the tawdry commercial nature of the above text. In conjunction with the regrettable acquisition of The Blog-Tick Phenomenon by The Hisashi Inquirer Holdings, Inc., we have been forced to introduce native advertising into our interface, in order to, in their words, "further parallel integration of monetization paradigms." We had been promised that the native advertising would be "carefully curated for content adaptability and customer sympathy," but apparently this is not the case.

Unfortunately, there's nothing we can do about it. This is the 21st century, and corporate overlords rule us all.

Anyhow, to get back to the News of the Mortal...the details for the I Am Mortal album have now been released! The bonus DVD included with the limited edition of the album will include a total of FIVE (count 'em, FIVE) music videos, and the extra super-duper special booklet will contain 40 (count 'em, FORTY) pages of cobweb-draped, bat-guano encrusted artfully blurred black-and-white analog photographs of the band members hanging out in abandoned warehouses and/or castles and/or graveyards and/or dumpsters late at night. In addition, the track list for both discs is as follows:

Disc I

01. Tenshi (Angel)
03. Barbaric Man
04. Yume - Deep Dream-
05. Fantômas -Tenrankai no Otoko- (The Man in the Exhibition)
07. Ginyoru (Hand Puppet)
08. Tsuki (Moon)
09. PAIN DROP -It rains cats and dogs
10. Grotesque
11. Mortal
12. Sayonara Waltz (Farewell Waltz)

Disc II

01. Mortal
02. Pain Drop
03. Tenshi
04. Ginyoru
05. Yume

We sincerely apologize for not predicting that Mr. Sakurai would, in addition to titling a song "Yume," also title songs as "Mother" and "Tsuki." We should have been able to guess that, and we didn't, which was remiss of us...but perhaps not so remiss as my failure to predict he would use the phrase "rain cats and dogs"...because who are we kidding here? Rain and cats in the same sentence? Just reading it ought to get him drenched and purring right away!

As for the coded revelation of his secret crush on Lisa Gerrard...frankly, we thought it was so obvious that it wasn't worth predicting (she even has a cat!) In any case, sorry, fangirls. Clearly if you want Acchan-chan's love you must be either an Ice Queen or an Ethereal Gothic Faerie Queen of the Dead (dead who can DANCE, no less!) So you might as well give up now.

Unless, of course, you by These Mortali-Tees! Just put on these shirts, and you can BE the goth queen Gothique Prince Acchan wishes you were to tickle his fancy (even if you're a boy!)! You know you want to! So what are you waiting for...CALL NOW at 0120-69-MORTALI-TEE and order yours RIGHT THIS MINUTE.


As for other analysis... 

Regarding the multi-faceted meaning of the word "grotesque," see my notes on the song "masQUE."

Regarding the idea of puppets, see my retrospective on 13kai wa Gekkou.

Regarding "Barbaric Man," please see The Smiths: Barbarism Begins at Home.

Regarding the reference to an exhibition, see the entire backstory of Arui wa Anarchy, as well as the dictionary entry for the word "exhibitionism," cross-referenced with Mr. Sakurai's noted preference for Pantarchy (pantarchy /n./ etimology: derived from the Buck-Tickistani agitprop slogan 'order without power, anarchy without panties' meaning: wearing no underwear whatsoever.)

Regarding the use of the word Fantômas, see the title of Ka.F.Ka's debut album, and the dictionary entry for the word "fanboy." (Hint: fantômas means "fanboying all over ourselves" in Spanish!!!)


Oh yeah, and a spot preview of the PV for "Yume" has also been released HERE.

Fantomas, everyone. Fantomas.



  1. Ohhh! Thank you, Cayce!
    I just needed that laugh you gave me with this shameless commercial for Mortali-Tee. Perfect!

  2. OMG! Totally hilarious! Thanks so much for the laugh! 😆


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