The Hisashi Inquirer EXCLUSIVE: Buck-Tick Live at Roppongi XXXXX! Theater


The Hisashi Inquirer
Buck-Tick 11/13 
LIVE at Roppongi XXXXX! Theater
Buck-Tick Full Frontal FIRSTHAND!

Fanny Cockshott-Sufflebottom: 
What I Touched That Day

As the most widely-circulated tabloid in the Republic of Buck-Tickistan, we, The Hisashi Inquirer, pride ourselves on always having our ears to the grapevine and our noses to the ground, listening for new wine and sniffing out new dirt!  And in practical terms, what that means is this: if you’re in the front row at a Buck-Tick show…well, we see you there, and we saw what you did there ;)

And thus it happened that on the night of Thursday, November 13th, at the Roppongi XXXXX! Theater (an all-new venue for Buck-Tick!) who should we see in the front row but a one Ms. Fanny Cockshott-Shufflebottom (age 42, Penistone, South Yorkshire, UK) putting on an AUDACIOUS show of her fangirly devotions to her favorite band member! (Or was it her favorite band member’s member?  We had to know!)  Straining through our stalker-binoculars for a closer look as she shamelessly BUTTered up the band, we had to jealously wonder…is this Ms. Fanny one of those girls we’ve all heard about!?  Is the name “Fish Tank” really just an abbreviation of “Fishy Tanky Hanky Panky” to those in the know (in the Biblical sense)?? Have all the stories on Titrag Tanuki been true all along???

As we watched the shocking goings-down up front, we realized that this might just be the dirtiest dirt we’ve dug all season, so naturally we had one of our reporters (who speaks fluent British!) track down Ms. Fanny after the show for an EXCLUSIVE interview on the Buck-Tick foreign fan FULL FRONTAL EXPERIENCE: The Inside Story, ONLY at the Hisashi Inquirer!

WHO is Fanny Cockshott-Shufflebottom, WHO did she TOUCH, and WHERE???  
Read on to find out more!


Hisashi Inquirer:  Pleased to meet you, Fanny.  Can we call you Fanny?

Fanny:  Feel free to call me Fanny.

Hisashi Inquirer:  Have we spelled your name right, Fanny?

Fanny:  No, I'm afraid you haven't. Cockshott has two t’s on the end.

Hisashi Inquirer:  Sorry about that! Thank you for the correction…we do want to make sure we spell it correctly when we put it in print!

Fanny: You’re going to print this?

Hisashi Inquirer: Yes, m’dear.  We’re a tabloid, after all.  And to that end, would you mind if we ask you a few highly inappropriate personal questions?

Fanny:  Fire away.

Hisashi Inquirer:  So to start off, you say you’re from northern England.  What’s the Buck-Tick fan scene like there?

Fanny: There’s no Buck-Tick fan scene to speak of, but there is a picture of a giant with a giant cock carved into the chalk cliffs down south.

Hisashi Inquirer:  Look at the size of that thing!  Has Gothique Prince Acchan seen this one?

Fanny:  I doubt it.  Word is last time he was in London he spent most of the trip drinking beer out of Raymond Watts’ boots.

Hisashi Inquirer:  Beer out of boots?  Is that a British tradition?

Fanny:  Quite right it is!

Hisashi Inquirer: You Britons are a strange lot!  And did Raymond Watts also imbibe beer out of Gothique Prince Acchan’s boots, then?

Fanny:  Word is that he did.

Hisashi Inquirer:  And how did the British Buck-Tick fangirls respond to that one?  Were they titillated?  Oh wait, since you said there’s no Buck-Tick fan scene to speak of, does that mean you’re the only Buck-Tick fangirl in the country? Were you titillated, then?

Fanny:  No, as a matter of fact, there are three of us.  And Raymond, of course.  We were all titillated.

Hisashi Inquirer:  With so few fans around, doesn’t it get lonely?

Fanny: Not at all.  That’s what the internet is for!  We have a corking good time checking Kiyoshi’s Twitter account for pictures of knackered drunk Imai, watching that At The Night Side bit where Hide falls off the stage over and over while having a good chuckle, and posting about Mr. Sakurai’s hairy muscles on Facebook.

Hisashi Inquirer: My, my, hairy muscles, that does sound exciting! But however exciting the internet may be, it can’t compete with seeing Buck-Tick in the panting, moaning, sweaty flesh, can it?

Fanny:  No, it absolutely can’t!  That’s why I traveled from the UK all the way to Tokyo, specifically for this concert!

Hisashi Inquirer:  So are we to assume you procured your concert tickets through Fish Tank?

Fanny:  That’s correct.

Hisashi Inquirer:  Can you tell us anything about the rumor that the name “Fish Tank” is an abbreviation of “Fishy Tanky Hanky Panky” to those in the know?

Fanny:  If there is a know, I confess I’m not in it at present.  But I do have a good friend, I met her on the BTkontakte social network, her name is Maria Anastasia.  And she’s a citizen of Buck-Tickistan, so I trust what she told me: “In Buck-Tickistan, the Know is in You.”

Hisashi Inquirer:  I see.  Anyhow, can you tell us how it was that you ended up in the front row?

Fanny:  I had ticket number three!

Hisashi Inquirer:  What smashing good luck!  Or was it luck?

Fanny:  It wasn’t luck, it was my natural charm!  Again, as Maria Anastasia told me, “In Buck-Tickistan, Ticket Number chooses YOU!”

Hisashi Inquirer:  Quite true, quite true!  So tell us, what was it like to hold ticket number 3?

Fanny:  I like threesomes, so I found it quite pleasurable.

Hisashi Inquirer:  Can you elaborate?

Fanny:  Oh my, well they gave us the royal treatment. When the doors opened, security escorted us two by two, right up to the front of the concert hall! I must say, these Japanese security guards are very serious on the job…directing us like military officers, they were, in their naughty little hats. My but I do love a man in uniform. They wouldn’t let us break ranks until we got smack up to the front railing!

Hisashi Inquirer:  Whereupon you secured the spot right in the center of the front row.

Fanny:  That I did. I was lucky in that the Roppongi XXXXX! Theater has that stage extension bit that sticks out, so the band members can come up close and personal, if you see what I mean.

Hisashi Inquirer: I’m afraid we don’t quite see what you mean. Could you explain further?

Fanny: Well you know, there’s usually a gap of about a meter between the railing and the edge of the stage, but some venue stages have that stick-out bit in the center, so the band members can come right down to the edge of the railing, which means that if you’re in the front row, you can touch them with your own bare hands!

Hisashi Inquirer:  Ah yes, the “David Cop-a-feel.”  A British classic.

Fanny:  Now you’re catching on.

Hisashi Inquirer:  We saw what you did there, you know.  We saw you do it.

Fanny:  Saw me do what?

Hisashi Inquirer:  We know you hit it.

Fanny:  Ah yes, I did.

Hisashi Inquirer:  We know who you did it to, too.

Fanny:  If you’da been there, you’da hit it, too!

Hisashi Inquirer:  We can’t deny that! So, what did it feel like?

Fanny: To hit it?

Hisashi Inquirer: Yes.

Fanny:  Like I reached out and touched faith.

Hisashi Inquirer:  What a poetic way to describe it!  However, we’re a tabloid, not a poetry review.  So could you be a bit more explicit for our readers—WHOSE what did you hit?

Fanny:  I hit on Acchan’s bum.

Hisashi Inquirer:  I see!  And how, exactly, did you accomplish this?

Fanny:  Well, it was one of those dancey-dance songs…I think it’s called “Bimbo,” is that the right one?  Anyhow, Mr. Acchan came right down the stage and right about stood on my head, with his feet planted right in front of my, um, ladies, if you see what I mean, gyrating his bits around as he does, quite close to this old girl’s face, in fact. Bit of a surprise at my age, I must admit! Though I did notice he was wearing very nice tights…lovely flocked brocade, my mum would have approved. She was a dressmaker, you see, and she always did have an eye for good material, though I’m sure if she’d been there, she’d have told him to put on some bloody knickers!

Hisashi Inquirer:  Do you mean to tell us he wasn’t wearing any?

Fanny:  No, sir, he was not. When I fondled his bum I fondled no panty lines whatever.

Hisashi Inquirer:  So tell us more about Acchan’s bum.

Fanny:  Well, seeing as he was so close up to me, I reached around to his backside and gave him a good hard smack on the cheek...we all know he likes it, the naughty boy!

Hisashi Inquirer:  We can’t deny it.  However, perhaps you can clarify something for us—recently fangirls have alleged that Mr. Sakurai has been getting fatter with age, and that his old-man bum is now "soft and squishy." Would you say this is an accurate assessment?

Fanny:  Respectfully, Mr. Inquirer, it’s a bollocks assessment. Acchan’s bum is most certainly not "soft and squishy," but rather hard, and muscular.

Hisashi Inquirer.  Well now!  Is that so?

Fanny:  Of course it is. I mean, we’re all friends here. Why would I lie with you?

Hisashi Inquirer:  Of course you wouldn’t lie, we believe you completely. So there you have it, fangirls! What Gothique Prince Acchan’s bum really feels like, straight from a primary source! So tell us Ms. Fanny, did you touch any other noteworthy parts of Gothique Prince Acchan, and if so, what did they feel like?

Fanny:  Hm, well, his shoes were a very nice leather, my mum definitely would have approved of them too, though I don’t think she’d fancy how sweaty his hands were. If she had him around for tea, I’m sure she’d insist that he wash them before she let him in the house. After all, you never know where they’ve been!

Hisashi Inquirer:  Ah yes, I see your point. So what part of him do you fancy, Fanny?

Fanny:  Well his calf muscles are quite nicely rounded, a more pleasant shape than Mr. Hisashi’s which I also had the privilege of fondling, but which turned out to be a bit flat for my tastes, I’m sorry to say…though Mr. Acchan’s been exercising so much lately that I’m afraid he’s now swollen and rock hard.

Hisashi Inquirer:  Come again?

Fanny:  Too much muscle! You can see it through the fabric of his very fine tights, just like one of those superheroes in the comics...quadriceps, gluteus maximus, everything! I’m afraid it’s a bit too much for me. I prefer my men a bit more plump.

Hisashi Inquirer:  Plump?  Like who?

Fanny:  Like Hoshino Hidehiko! (blushes)

Hisashi Inquirer:  Are you telling us that #SexyBeastHide has fallen victim to the Law of Conservation of Buck-Tick Mass? [Note: The Law of Conservation of Buck-Tick Mass states that the combined mass of the band members shall remain constant.  Therefore, any weight lost by one band member must be gained by another.]

Fanny:  Well, I never did have much of a head for physics.  All I know is that when he sauntered over to me in his slim white pinstriped suit and planted his virile feet right before me, I lost control and gave in to the tantalizing temptation to run my hands rapturously up and down his long, lean, luscious legs…and then I noticed it.

Hisashi Inquirer:  Noticed what?

Fanny:  His love handle!

Hisashi Inquirer:  His what?

Fanny:  Ah, it was a glorious sight to behold, Mr. Inquirer. A smooth brown sliver of it peeped out from beneath the fine Egyptian cotton of his pressed black shirt, where the shirt had come untucked from Mr. Hoshino’s belt in the course of his devastatingly dashing dancing. Yes, Mr. Inquirer, a smooth sliver of firm brown bare Hide-flesh peeped out at me from above his belt, so soft and ever-so-slightly rounded, because either Hide’s trousers are a mite too small or Hide’s gotten ever-so-slightly plump, just the way I like it! How lovingly I gazed upon that sliver of flesh as it peeped out at me, as if it were calling to me, “pinch me, pinch me!” Unable to contain myself any longer, I reached out my trembling hand and pinched it. And then, Hide bent his rugged, manly face down towards mine, and winked at me.

Hisashi Inquirer:  Surely, the hot tears of a thousand fangirls are falling into the soft cotton of their pillows as they cry themselves to sleep with jealousy after reading this article, don’t you think, Ms. Fanny?

Fanny:  They surely are, Mr. Inquirer. But their tears are neither so hot nor so numerous as the tears of passion and excitement falling in my soft cotton knickers right now!

~end of interview~




Source: The Hisashi Inquirer, vol. 47, number 69.
Translated from Japanese by Cayce.



Note: Since posting this I've received a few inquiries from readers as to whether the information contained in this article is "true."  Folks, I would like to remind you: everything you read on the internet is true. I thought we had been over this several times already.


Shopping Service Updates

The following items are now available from This is NOT Greatest Shopping Service!


Ikonokrusm Photobook Set

Released in 2002 to commemorate Buck-Tick's 15th anniversary, this deluxe photobook set contains two volumes of arty photographs of the band.  The green volume contains mostly posed shots of the band members backstage and wandering around in front of a big brooding clanking oil refinery of the type Imai thinks is so sexy (fun fact: Cayce actually knows the guy who built this oil refinery!)  The red volume contains live photography and backstage candids from the Warp Days Tour.  The two photobooks are housed in a big shiny black slipcase.  Aside from missing the obi strip, the set is in perfect condition.  Rare and out of print.
5500 yen.

Photobooks and Slipcase

Big oily machines!

Standing "at attention."

Smoking at the bus stop, as one does.

Zipping back up after a sexy beast moment #sexybeasthide


Buck-Tick's Metamorphosis Book

This huge, hardcover book, published by the magazine Rockin' on Japan, contains collected interviews and photoshoots published in the magazine covering Buck-Tick's history between Taboo and Climax Together, including Schaft and This is NOT Greatest Tour. The interviews are very interesting, but for those of you who can't read Japanese, the book will still be enjoyable - there are lots and lots of pages of full-color photos of the young band members in their post-blond youth (they have flowing black locks now because they are So Goth. Wow Such Goth. Wow.) Great condition, rare and out of print. Special shipping charges apply because this thing is very heavy.  4000 yen.

Look, homo-erotic photos of Imai and Hide from X Japan!

...and homo-erotic photos of Sakurai and Yoshiki from X Japan!

Gag me with a spoon!

And last but not least, my most favorite homo-erotic photo of Sakurai and Imai ever. From the photoshoots for This is NOT Greatest Tour (no I'm not kidding.)


Parade 2012 Live DVD

This two-disc set contains live footage of both nights of Buck-Tick's 25th anniversary festival, held on September 22nd and 23rd 2012.  It includes Buck-Tick's entire set for both nights, as well as footage of one song each from the other bands who performed. Cayce recommends this video as one of Buck-Tick's best-filmed live videos ever! The copy I am selling is in perfect condition. The original price was 6800 yen but I am selling this copy for 5500 yen. 

Track list below:

Disc I (2012/9/22)

・Aku no Hana / MERRY
・MISTY ZONE / cali≠gari<>
・Speed / THE LOWBROWS <>
 SE:THEME OF B-T -the Dragon-
  Shippuu no Blade Runner
 Elise no Tame ni
 Hamushi no You ni
 Alice in Wonder Underground
 Kyokutou Yori Ai wo Komete
 Yumemiru Uchuu

Disc II (2012/9/23)

・MACHINE / Kishidan
・EMPTY GIRL / N'Shukugawa BOYS 
・love letter / Pay money To my Pain <>
・sTEP COde / AA= 
 SE:THEME OF B-T -the Dragon-
 Dokudanjou Beauty -R.I.P.-
 Elise no Tame ni
 Memento mori
 Jonathan Jet-Coaster 
 Yumemiru Uchuu 


Smell/Taiji Single

This was one of the singles released as a part of Sakurai's solo project, and contains what is arguably the dirtiest set of lyrics Mr. Sakurai has ever penned (I am, of course, referring to the "smell" that smell refers to.)  The single includes four tracks - "Smell," "Taiji - embryo's theater version-," "Fantasy -cubic orange mix-" and the studio recording of Sakurai's cover of "Amaoto wa Chopin no Shirabe." Perfect condition, very rare and out of print. 3000 yen.


Tsuchiya Masami - Mori no Hito

1997 solo album from Tsuchiya Masami features Sakurai Atsushi on guest vocals on two tracks, "Manatsu no Yoru no Mori," ("A Midsummer Night's Forest") and "Goblin Forest."  Beyond Sakurai's guest vocals, this is a beautiful album in general, full of mysterious, soothing tracks, including vocals and instrumentals, and incorporating many forest sounds like birdcalls and crickets...great to listen to for relaxation and very possibly one of Cayce's top ten favorite records ever!  Conceived as a concept album against environmental destruction, the case and booklet were printed on recycled paper. The album was recorded in London and released by Cross Records, Sugizo's label. Song samples available on request. Incredibly rare and out of print. Excellent condition.
4500 yen.


NEWSMAKER 13th Floor Special

This softcover, 57-page magazine-style book published by Newsmaker covers the production process for the 13th Floor With Moonshine tour, from the concept art to the stage design to the costuming to the actual performance. This book will be of particular interest to fans who want to know more about the band's behind-the-scenes creative process.  13th Floor was the only tour for which Buck-Tick published such a book, making this book one-of-a-kind. Once upon a time it was easy to come by, but these days it's very rare. The copy I have on offer is in perfect condition. 4000 yen.


Tenshi no Revolver Tote Bag

This tote bag is made of highly durable nylon and has a flat bottom to accommodate a large amount of heavy cargo. You could easily use it to carry around textbooks, groceries, wine bottles, etc. It has never been used and is in mint condition, and is now completely unavailable, as it was only sold at the goods booth on the Tenshi no Revolver Tour and sold out from the Buck-Tick web shop years ago. The dimensions are 30 by 35 centimeters. 2000 yen. Leopard print rug not included.



If you're interested in buying or reserving anything, send me an email at themadaristocrat at gmail.  If there's an item you're sure you want but you need a few more days/weeks to scrape together the cash, I suggest you email me and request that I hold the item for you, otherwise, there is a possibility someone else will buy it first. I sell all items on a first-come, first-serve basis.  I'm willing to put items on reserve for up to a month.



Tracing the Origins of Buck-Tickistan


An essay by Maria Anastasia Hisashiyevna Sakuraina.
(Published last week in the Hisashi Inquirer)


Many times previously on this blog, Cayce has referred to the cuisine, people and traditions of Buck-Tickistan, but what many of you who are insufficiently well-versed in geographic knowledge may not have realized is that Buck-Tickistan is a real place: a former Soviet republic located near the Amur River, on the Asian mainland northwest of Hokkaido.  Founded at the nexus between China, Mongolia, Russia and the northern finger of the Sea of Japan, the land of Buck-Tickistan holds a long, romantic and truly multicultural memory of the diverse genres of people who have swankily tangoed and done the 'I Love You' on its soil in ages past.

The speculation has been bandied about by many that Mr. Sakurai is not of 100% Japanese lineage…after all, he’s unusually tall, has unusually large muscles, unusually special body hair, and his eyes are a funny shape.  It’s true!  Far from being pure Japanese, Mr. Sakurai’s is of Buck-Tickistani extraction, on his father’s side.  In fact, the ancient Achan people had already been living in the area that would later become known as Buck-Tickistan for centuries when a boatload of Cossacks sailed down the river, tied up the natives, and spread dirty whispers throughout the land of the fearsome power of their new stronghold, a fort they named Achansk. The Cossack invasion thus sparked numerous armed conflicts between the Russians, the Buck-Tickistani natives, and the Manchu army, led by a one Commander Haise (an archaic spelling of Hisashi). Commander Hisashi attacked Fort Achansk but was defeated and taken prisoner.  Nevertheless, he adapted successfully to the local ways, becoming and indispensable part of local culture, and eventually helping to found the region as a new nation, conceived in anarchy and dedicated to the proposition that all people were born to fly high.  The rest, as you know, is history.




Note from Cayce: this essay may or may not be a highly inaccurate and garbled bastardization of the early history of Khabarovsk, pilfered from Wikipedia.

We are as yet still unable to verify if Buck-Tickistan is, in fact, a real place, or if it exists only on paper and in the hearts and minds of its exiled citizens who still long for their long-lost anarchist utopia.

However, we're fairly certain of the fact that Maria Anastasia is being a troll.




In case you haven't heard the news, Buck-Tick have jumped on the kitty wagon. And no, I don't mean this kitty wagon.


I mean the HELLO wagon.

As in, the Hello Kitty Wagon.

What does this involve, you ask?  Well the truth of the matter is that this year, Ms. Hello Kitty herself is turning 40.  We had long suspected based on her age that she probably harbored a secret crush on Buck-Tick...after all, here in Japan, women around age 40 are the band's primary fan demographic.  Now, we have confirmation.  In honor of her 40th birthday, Ms. Kitty used her star power to reach out to a number of her favorite musicians, including our favorite musicians, Cat-Tick, I mean, Buck-Kit, I mean, Buck-Tickitty - and an all-new Buck-Tickitty smartphone case was born.

It looks like this:

Note that Yutaka is smaller than the other Buck-Tickitties. However, Toll appears to be the tallest of all, and I'm honestly not sure what's up with that, since, just between you and me, without his mohawk, Toll isn't a whole lot taller than Yutaka.  Naturally, Acchan-chan appears the most zen about having been turned into a female kitten, though Imai's rocking it pretty well, too, but Hide appears to be protesting by refusing to let go of his beard. And let's be honest...dressed like that, he's going to need all the beards he can get :P

Anyhoo, the Buck-Tickitty case is available in various sizes that fit all major smartphone models on the Japanese market.  Sales open from 7PM tonight, which is slightly more than 4 hours away by my watch.  The price is 3300 yen including tax, excluding shipping. If you'd like Cayce to help you order one, just shoot me an email.


In the meantime, honor Ms. Kitty by feasting your eyes upon this Harajuku dubstep extravaganza by Canadian Hot Topic poster child, Avril Lavigne. 

Word has it that when this music video debuted, it was initially pulled from YouTube due to allegations of being "extremely racist." To which, as a person who personally lives in Harajuku about 170.2 days per year, I have to say...you people, do you know what the phrase "extremely racist" actually means?

This video was filmed on location in Harajuku, so for those of you who don't know: yes Harajuku actually looks like that.  In fact, I can see that candy store out the window of my room as I write this! Also, the extras and dancers who appear are all actually Japanese, some of them clearly picked up off the street as the video was being filmed (check out the sequence at the end!) White North American whiners can whine all they want that Avril is using her backup dancers as props, that the Japanese girls are merely supporting Avril in her self-involved whiteness in a foreign land, but the fact remains that almost any girl off the street in Harajuku would jump at the chance to appear in an Avril Lavigne video and her friends would all be foaming at the mouth with jealousy.

And as to the lyrics...

Come, come, kitty kitty, you're so pretty pretty
Come come kitty kitty stay with me

Is this a denigrating perpetuation of the stereotype of Asian women as sexually permissive? Or is it a blossoming bicurious love song sung by one lady to another lady's...um...pussycat? YOU DECIDE. All I know is that where I come from, telling a girl's "kitty" to "come" is less racist than it is racy. Therefore, I think it's awfully queer strange that people misinterpreted this very gay happy and positive song as derogatory.

To my mind, the only mis-step here is the fact that no one who values a hangover-free tomorrow would drink Jiro shochu out of the bottle.