Christmas business is brisk in Buck-Tickistan this year! As some of you may have gathered from Fish Tank's email communiques, Buck-Tick's merchandising team has proven themselves incapable of even basic future projections, by failing to foresee that sweet and sticky juicy candy branded with Acchan-chan's face and available for the cheap, cheap price of only 500 yen (cheap, fast and easy, just like your mom! And it's a known fact everyone's mom loves Acchan-chan!) would disappear faster than free condoms in a high school nurse's office.
So, for those of you who can't read Japanese, the news is this: the Sakurai drops have all but sold out and purchases on-site at concerts have now been restricted to two per customer...but orders will be accepted through the Buck-Tick web shop. If you want to get yours through Cayce, send us an email and we'll add you to the web shop orders list, so don't hesitate! However, we have to warn you that the orders won't be shipped until late February, because Buck-Tick's merchandising team really are that lazy. We have no excuses for them. They should have hired us to do their job, or at least issue some prophecies about their sales, to save them the trouble.
But there's good news as well as bad news, and the good news is this: there will be special Budoukan-only tour goods for sale at the Budoukan! And Cayce will be able to get them for you if you want them - but only if you contact us right away! So have a look at what's on offer this time:
First, for shameless fangirls, the set of five t-shirts printed with photos of the band members' faces. If yakuza photos aren't enough for you anymore, these t-shirts are clearly the way to go. They're 100% cotton, made in Japan, come in small medium and large sizes, and cost 3500 yen each, so you could have the whole band for just 17500 yen, which is almost as cheap as your mom.
Next, we have the black version of the Dolman sleeve ribbon t-shirt, which is actually in very good taste and gets our seal of approval...you could wear this to the hypothetical second Mortal tour and not look like an obvious poseur. Full marks. 100% cotton made in China, one size fits you however it fits you. 3500 yen.
Third, after a string of tasteless cutesy Christmas tees, we have the first-ever Buck-Tick New Year's t-shirt, the design of which is hard to pick out from the photo on the website, but it looks to be a sexy lady in traditional Japanese dress with a flower on her head and some butterflies and maybe some booze too, which we will take over a fat bearded sexual predator who likes to dandle children on his red velvet knee and offer them goodies from his "toy sack" any day. The color is off-white so it won't make you look washed out even if you're a pale wan creature who looks like you were born in a cave (our sympathies to you as we have never quite approved of tanning.) Comes in small, medium and large, 100% cotton, made in Japan, 3500 yen.
Next, for the brave and superstitious among you, there are the Buck-Tick omikuji trading card fortunes, back and bad after their popularity last year. The front is a trading card, the back tells your fortune with a comment from the band members, and there are fifteen different types so you could collect them all for a minimum of 7500 yen, because they're 500 yen each. The picture shows the envelope, only. Red paper style, because here in Asia them red paper envelopes on New Year's mean MONEY. Go nuts, kids.
And to continue with the old-school Asian New Year's theme, these metallic gold seals will also be available, bearing the Buck-Tickistan Daruma Pandas. For those of you who don't know, effigies of the monk Bodhi Daruma are brought out during Japanese new year celebrations. You color in one eye of the daruma doll, make a wish, and then when your wish comes true, you color in the other eye. Your wish is supposed to come true in the next year. But don't wish that Acchan-chan will start wearing underwear, because it won't happen.
Apparently the gold on these was meticulously applied by hand, with a price to match. 2000 yen, and made in Japan! But wait, there's more - don't keep these seals stuck to their original paper, because there's something hidden behind each one. Peel off the seals to see what it is. But look carefully because you won't be able to unsee it.
And now, for those of you who wish Mr. Sakurai were a cat in a hat instead of a crow in a hat, your wish as been granted. Though between you and me, he's probably desperately glad he hasn't actually got a tail. Because he knows that if he had a tail, and said tail were ever to accidentally flick into the crowd at live shows, it would be yanked on by fangirls and that would not end well. So the tail will remain on the hand towel only. Yeah, it's a cotton hand towel. For you to wash your "hands" with. And it just so happens to match the cat in the hat design of Mr. Sakurai's exclusive
sex toy case I mean makeup case, which was sold out but will be reordered. For only 1000 yen each, you might as well get two. For you to wash your "hands" with. Get them as a set.
And for those of you who always wished you could while away the winter cuddling under a fleece blanket printed with Imai guitars, this is the chance for you to realize your dream. It's an Imai guitar fleece blanket. It measures one meter by 70 cm. It costs 4500 yen. 'Nuff said.
And for those coffee-drinking hipsters among you, here it is: the Hoshino coffee t-shirt. Not a border tee shirt! And Hide wrote those words himself, so you know they are true. Also true: this shirt was designed to show off your sexy beastliness by being cut with an extra slim body, wide neckline and tapered sleeves designed to make your arms look thinner. Comes in small, medium and large, and amazingly enough, it's simultaneously 100% cotton and 50% polyester, according to the website. Navy blue and it doesn't say where it was made so it must have been made in Buck-Tickistan. 3500 yen.
If you like plushies, and you like bears, and you like monkeys, this is what you need. Yutaka's Serious Bear, Serious Monkey version. Serious Bear, meet Serious Monkey. Serious Monkey, meet Serious Bear. Serious Bear meet Serious Monkey meet Serious Tissue Case. The Year of the Monkey starts next year! Now start spankin'. 1200 yen. No lolitas need apply till you get the subtext of this one.
But if you live in a rock bar, what you need is this one: the Yagami Toll Skullhawk cushion cover. Rest your head on this while you spank that Serious Monkey, and make big brother uncomfortable. Polyester, made in China, and ridiculously sized at 450 meters by 450 millimeters (according to the website.) 1800 yen but the cushion's not included.
And last but certainly not least, the following all-new items have been added to the Buck-Tick capsules, so it's time to lead the capsule if you dare! (See what I did there?) These are traditional-style Shinto good-luck charms, and each one has a different meaning. In order:
Sakurai: Safety in the Bedroom (not kidding that's really what it says)
Imai: Health and Long Life (because the name Hisashi means long life, doncha know!)
Hoshino: Safe Childbirth (warning: #sexybeasthide has been known to make women pregnant simply by standing in the same room with them. You will need this one!)
Yutaka: Safety from Illness, Accidents and Disasters (so no "Exit, pursued by bear" this year!)
Toll: Good Luck With Money (if you win this one, next year we expect you to treat us to the expensive brand of box wine)
You know you want this shit so email us right away. We will be waiting.
There is also a FaceSpace sharing campaign going on and you can share in order to hear more of the album.
Also, if you buy the Schaft Box Set and the limited edition of the new album Ultra, you can enter a lottery to win a Schaft flag, to fly from the ramparts of your villa in Buck-Tickistan. Cayce is now accepting reservations. Email us for details.
That's all for now. Merry Christmas!