Gravity's Cavity

Gravity is a word with a lot of, well... gravity. Just consider all the associations this single word instantly calls to mind!

Most of you who have ever tried Douglas Adams' recipe for flying ("the ability to hurl oneself at the ground and miss") have come into contact with the original gravity that all the hipsters loved before it was cool. On earth, this fundamental force causes everything, everywhere to accelerate at -9.8m/s^2 toward the center of the planet... and yet despite it being the thing that made that apple fall on Newton's head and Mr. Sakurai fall on his ass on the first day of the Memento Mori tour, physicists still can't quite explain why gravity exists. It doesn't fit into the Standard Model of physics. Maybe, if we were able to prove the existence of little massless hoodoo particles known as "gravitons" that scientists hope and believe are out there causing all the gravity around us right now, we'd end up with a simple-ish mathematical explanation for why the world is round and why our feet stick to it. But as yet, gravitons are nothing but an unproven hypothesis, and the weak yet inexorable pull of gravity remains one of the greatest mysteries in science. Despite the number of other things which have stolen gravity's name over the years, Original Gravity(tm) is probably still the coolest thing to ever bear gravity branding.

But still... there's so much more gravity than just gravity. After all, how about that wildly confusing, award-winning and suspiciously psychedelic-sounding novel about sexual rockets?

Or how about that time that Sandra Bullock went cartwheeling off into space not attached to anything in what may be the most terrifying (yet awesome) space movie of all time?

Or how about the ending theme to Wolf's Rain, an anime which we're pretty sure was written by a Buck-Tick fan based on the lyrics to "Rakuen" and "Kimi e"? (If you haven't watched this one yet, by all means watch it! But make sure you have a box of tissues ready to sob into, and make sure you continue to the very, very end... it's all in the twist!)

Oh yeah, and now that you mention anime, what about the most atrocious j-rock yaoi ever made (if you think that with the words "j-rock" and "yaoi" in the same sentence, it can't be bad, you obviously haven't watched it! So what are you waiting for, we've linked the first episode below.)

Then again, those of you who are theater nerds probably prefer this type of gravity instead (and bless these girls).

But still. Though we'd love to be able to try ignoring gravity, as some of you may have already heard, Gravity is Big in Buck-Tickistan right now, and it won't let itself be ignored!!!

Yes, folks. We're talking about the newly-launched luxury brand Gravity Jewelry, designed by Buck-Tick's former web designer, Kouzu Nakaba. After a long, illustrious career on various design projects, Mr. Nakaba has now reached the stage of life when he's free (read: wealthy enough) to pursue lavish, glossy vanity projects that may or may not make money, but will definitely lock down his spot in the Pretentious Hall of Fame forevermore. Mr. Nakaba's Gravity line transcends thousands of years in a vague-yet-epic science fiction universe somewhere between The Never-Ending Story, Interstellar, King Lear, and Stephen Universe (the giant lesbian gemstone was two lesbian gemstones in a trenchcoat all along!!!) Somewhere along the line in this loopy, hole-riddled chronology appears a Great King who has three daughters, and he gives each of them a planet full of preposterously expensive made-to-order jewelry. No word as yet on whether the king goes insane, or whether anyone's eyeballs get put out with the line "out, vile jelly!" (one of our most favorite ever Shakespeare quotes)... but we can always hope. Thankfully, the entire story is already written in English, sparing us the time and effort of translating it, so if you're curious, go read it here.

But what does all this have to do with Buck-Tickistan, you ask?

Don't play dumb, kids. You already know. This has to do with Buck-Tickistan, because Kouzu Nakaba, like every other straight male who's ever laid eyes on Mr. Sakurai, fell instantly in purely platonic and definitely not gay love with Mr. Sakurai the moment he met him, and therefore when Mr. Nakaba was coming up with a story about a King, his thoughts leapt instantly to Mr. Sakurai, King of his heart, whereupon he felt pulled as if by gravity, knowing for sure (even though it was three in the morning at the time) that he NEEDED Mr. Sakurai to be the Lord King of the Rings for him, and he therefore had to call Mr. Sakurai right that minute and beg him, "Please, please, please, let me use your vital, vigorous, veiny, virile hands for my ads to advertise my fuck fantasies fancy as fuck jewelry in a purely platonic and definitely not gay way. Pleeeeeeaze." Lucky for Mr. Nakaba, Mr. Sakurai was wide awake at the time, drinking shochu and lint-rolling cat hairs off his fifteen identical Alexander McQueen t-shirts. "Sure," said Mr. Sakurai, then added, "These rings - do they make good cat toys?"

That message on the Gravity Jewelry website, about the 100th anniversary of Einstein's Theory of Relativity, and astronaut Naoko Yamazaki's thoughts on gravity, the force, and Gravity (2013 film starring Sandra Bullock), that's all just a convenient cover-up for the real meaning of this brand name: the ineffable power by which Mr. Sakurai sucks up straight men (and lesbians!) like a vacuum cleaner into a definitely not sexual whole new world (get it?) that they never knew existed.

Anyway, for those of you too lazy to visit the Gravity website, the rings look like this.

"Planet Clarines"

Cool...? To us, this doesn't pack anywhere near as much visual punch as much of Big Black Maria's work, but perhaps our tastes are simply too low-brow and our eyes are still closed to the true beauty of modern art. But how about...

"Planet Sirocos"

Hmm... matte texture, presumably to evoke frost and ice. Cool idea, but in person, matte jewelry tends to make you look like you're about to attend Rich Person Con 2017, and frankly, we'd rather not. The Pretentious Hall of Fame welcomes you, Mr. Nakaba. But wait, there's still...

"Planet Illumina"

Now we're cooking with gas! White gold coated in black rhodium, for that gothical finish, plus a gravity's rainbow of colored stones. It's all most there. All it needs is a few more curls, and maybe a rose in the center... oh wait.

Friends, if you weren't already aware, the above is the ring that was designed by Mr. Sakurai himself for the Tenshi no Revolver tour and produced by Big Black Maria. This ring may be made of plain ol' plebeian sterling silver and garnet, rather than white gold and rubies, but we'll choose this one over the kings and queens any day of the week, because in our opinions, it's better looking than the ones above... and it was certainly less expensive!

For those of you who were wondering, Gravity jewelry is all made to order out of real gold and diamonds. The Queen ring costs 298,000 yen, while the King ring costs 682,000 yen. Affordable, right? But if you're a female fan with small hands (or, in fact, a male fan with small hands) but you think the King ring is definitely cooler than the Queen ring (the King ring is definitely cooler!) and would prefer the King ring (we would prefer the King ring!) then Mr. Nakaba has the following very special message for you: "Fuck you, small-fingered person! You do not deserve my King ring. Small-handed people have no reason to live! My King ring starts at a whopping size 16 and only gets bigger from there! Maybe it will fit around your itty-bitty little big toe! Now get out of my web-store, poor person very lacking in gold coins!!! *blows raspberry*"*

*This is a 100% real, true, fact-checked quote straight from Mr. Nakaba's lips. (And everything you read on the internet is true.)

But!!! If you, unlike us, are absolutely in love with these rings and determined to have them, or you're simply so obsessed with Acchan-chan that you'll buy anything he endorses, no matter what it is, don't despair! Replicas of these rings are currently available for order through the Buck-Tick Web Shop and if you want our help ordering them, we'll be happy to help you, just shoot us an email. The replica rings are made of sterling silver and black Swarovskis. Queen sells for 37800 yen, while King sells for 59400 yen, which is less than our rent, so looking good there, because one of those Big Black Maria rings back in the day was definitely more than our rent and that was definitely too much. However, if you were hoping that these King rings would be made in smaller sizes... dream on, kiddo! They only go down to size 15. All you small-handed people out there, you might as well just cut your hands off right now, to save yourselves the shame. Never have fat fangirls with fat fingers felt so smug and superior! 

If you want the replica rings, don't delay - they're only available till November 24th! It says on the web site that they'll be delivered by December 23rd, just in time for Christmas, so you'd better get on the phone to your rich husband's credit card right now.

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But what about Mr. Sakurai, eh? Whatever came of that invitation he received from Mr. Nakaba?

Well, folks, it was only the next day when Mr. Sakurai sobered up that he realized that taking on this job would involve him being uploaded into a computer, Tron-style, digitized as a Final Yaoi Final Fantasy character, then spit back out into the real world. And while he was inside that computer... who can say what happened to him?

Chekkitout, guys, Noctis has a ring, too!!!1 And a beard! Is this a Future Song for Acchan-chan? We can only wait and hope.

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P.S. Yes, we are still accepting orders for tour goods. And yes, they played "Babel" on the tour and it was even more exciting live than in the video (of course). We've had a very busy few weeks but things have eased up a bit now, so we promise we'll bring you more articles soon.

ATTN: Fish Tank

Edit: If anyone else is getting ready to tell me all about how xenophobia is an ancient and noble part of Japanese culture, just like Pikachu and underwear vending machines, I first ask you to consider the following phrases: Muslim travel ban, "Build the Wall!", Brexit, Le Front National, Syrian refugee crisis. Xenophobia's on a buy one, get two free special all over the world, right this minute! What are you waiting for? Go stock up while you can!

Also, go read the comments section if you want some more of our choice thoughts on this matter. We were debating writing a second post, but upon consideration, decided we'd rather bring you some lifelike Hoshino Hidehiko gingerbread men and Buck-Tick addicted bunny rabbits instead.

Holy shit, did Blog-Tick just turn into a Japanese blog!? OMG halp! There's even a new banner! What the hell is going on here, Cayce?

Don't worry. The text at right is an open letter to Fish Tank, in case they check Blog-Tick. Ignore it as you see fit, or use it for Japanese practice, but don't let it bother you. It's not aimed at you.

As to what's going on here... for my next post, I had originally planned to bring you a light-hearted human interest story about a cute lil' bunny rabbit who just LOVES Buck-Tick, but then... this happened. 

You can see it all for yourself on Twitter, but it appears that our fellow B-T fansite proprietress Buck-Tick Zone received a cease and desist letter from Fish Tank threatening to cancel her fanclub membership because she shared images from the Fish Tank newsletter, and other images of the band. Now, the fact is that the most unsavory type of fangirl has been whining to Fish Tank for years to "crack down" on people sharing images from the Fish Tank newsletter online... their argument goes that if they paid money to receive the newsletter, then no one who hasn't paid money should be able to see it. It's been the cause of Japanese-language social media firestorms many times before now. So in a way, this isn't surprising. But let's examine what's wrong with the argument:

1) If Fish Tank are really so exclusive, then why do they let Fish Tank members purchase multiple tickets to concerts or multiple copies of fanclub-only DVDs? Oh right. They want money. But guess what, Fish Tank: in Japan, there's an expectation that if you want people's money, you should provide them with good hospitality and I'm not sensing a hospitable atmosphere right about now.

2) If we go to our friend's house and read her issues of the Fish Tank newsletter, are Fish Tank going to send that memory-erasing team from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to our house in retaliation, to erase the memories of the content from our mind, and erase all our memories of Buck-Tick along with them? Take that gun, point it at your own foot, and shoot it. Go on. Shoot it!

3) Is the point of joining Fish Tank paying money to see exclusive content? Silly me, I thought the point of joining Fish Tank was to get good tickets to the shows. This is the main benefit of the fanclub and it would be silly to pretend otherwise. The newsletter is just an added bonus.

4) Fish Tank/Buck-Tick management: I thought your job was to advertise the band, not advertise them as being the only band in the world whose management seem to actively hate their fanbase. Buck-Tick Zone has been spreading the Buck-Tick love for like 20 years now (and you thought our 11 years was long!) She's never received any money or glory for her work. The only reason she does it is because she loves Buck-Tick and wants to spread that love... which equals more fans... which equals more people spending money on the band. If the management weren't so fucking dumb, they'd realize that fansites are free advertising and they should be tacitly encouraged, not squashed.

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Anyway, if this makes you angry, I'm going to encourage you to do the following: 

1) Send Buck-Tick Zone an email, Twitter message, etc. telling her how you appreciate her work. This shit is very discouraging when it happens and I'm sure she'd appreciate moral support.

2) Write to Fish Tank. Tell them how much you love the band, and how you'd never have become a fan without the help from overseas fan sites. Beg them to consider starting an English language version of Fish Tank and/or making Buck-Tick's music available as digital downloads legally available in other countries. Tell them how excited you'd be to spend your money on things like that. If we're going to change their minds, they need to hear from as many of us as possible. I encourage you all to write! The text of the open letter above is basically words to this effect, however please do not copy and paste it, because if Fish Tank get spammed with the same letter again and again it might make them hate me more than they already probably do. Also, original letters in foreign languages will have more clout, I think.

3) If overseas fan sites played a big role in you becoming a Buck-Tick fan, leave a comment on this post.

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For those of you who fear that if Buck-Tick Zone's been targeted, Cayce will be next... for the time being, we're not worried. As a non-corporeal entity, we are very difficult for lowly meat-puppet beings to pin down. Fish Tank can try to figure out who we really are as much as they like, but we doubt they'll succeed. So this big fat raspberry is aimed at you, Fish Tank! Plus, we still remember how Imai took the name "The Dazzler" for his guitar right off this blog, and yet remains too shy to thank us/pay us for our translation. Run run as fast as you can, you can't catch us, we're in Buck-Tickistan!

Also, Buck-Tick Zone notes in her tweets the re-location of the Fish Tank office, and speculates that perhaps the Fish Tank management are new and overzealous. As a matter of fact, we can confirm through personal experience that this is the case. Without going into too much detail, we had a run-in ourselves with a new member of Buck-Tick's management in which the party in question treated us with a baffling level of unnecessary contempt and inexplicable rage. As it stands, we can't say whether this treatment represented the attitude of one angry staff member or whether it represents the attitude of Banker as an organization, but it was dismaying, to say the least. And to further fan the flames of scuttlebutt: it's not just us. A number of Buck-Tick's musician friends have reported being treated in a similarly contemptuous fashion by Banker at various points in time, for various stupid reasons. Buck-Tick's management is known in the industry as being one of the most uptight, paranoid management establishments in existence. They've engineered a monster they can no longer control.

Anyway, I'd like to point out that this has, in all likelihood, nothing to do with band members themselves. The reason Buck-Tick have a management office is so that the management office handles their affairs so they don't have to. Whatever it is the management gets up to when the members aren't around, the members may very well not know about. This is how Japanese industry works. So don't go worrying that Mr. Sakurai personally hates you all (even though it's true that he wrote a song called "I Hate You All," that was Jim Foetus's title, so it doesn't count). So let's place the blame where it belongs: with the management team, not with the band.

Oh yeah, and if you can't read the text on our new banner, it's that line from the lyrics to "Only You." It seemed relevant, somehow.

Buck-Tick: The Climax... or... Milking the Money Man

Some people claim that men can't lactate - that is to say, male Homo sapiens can't make milk like female mammals of every species. In fact, it's possible that the number of people who believe men can't lactate is even higher than the number of people who believe that climate change is real, and that human beings actually landed on the moon. But Victor Entertainment doesn't listen to science! Victor Entertainment knows that if you squeeze men's tits hard enough, milk comes streaming out... and that milk has a very distinct color. Oh, wow, funny coincidence: it's the same color as money.

General admission standing tour to support Atom Miraiha? You've got to be out of your minds. Why get Buck-Tick to actually stand onstage and do something real for their 30th anniversary, when instead you can make a cheesy retrospective rockumentary about them climaxing together for 30 years, then release it to movie theaters and charge fans 2500 yen for the privilege of reliving a pale shadow of something they already saw live in the sweaty flesh back in the early 90's when they were still young, beautiful, and carefree?

That is to say, Attention Blog-Tickers! Not to be outdone by X Japan's masturbatory cheesefest We Are X, the Victor Overlords of the Buck-Tick Industrial Complex are just about to jizz their pants with excitement at the following news: a second Buck-Tick: The Movie will be released in June! Entitled BUCK-TICK ～CLIMAX TOGETHER～ ON SCREEN 1992-2016, it will feature, in the words of the promotional site, 

"Retrospective interviews connected by the thread of three concerts in 1992, 2004, and 2016, showing the growth of the band members and their relationship with their fans, and highlighting Buck-Tick's one-of-a-kind stage presence in bold ink."

If you fell asleep in boredom before you reached the end of that sentence, you're not alone. We just woke up to find we'd nodded off in our chairs while attempting to translate it.

Oh, and just as The Buck-Tick Phenomenon: The Theatrical Release was a ridiculously long and clunky title for a movie which was much better shortened to Buck-Tick: The Movie (a title which you may have noticed the band themselves actually slapped onto the movie after the fact when they released it to DVD!), 

Buck-Tick ~*~*~*~ClImAx tOgEtHer -GJTHBKHTD -19870921x30- ~*~*~*~

(that's the official title right? I'm too lazy to scroll back up and check) is also a ridiculously long and clunky movie title, and therefore we are going to go ahead and shorten it to Buck-Tick: The Climax.

But seriously, kids, how much of an anti-climax is this, anyway? Dedicated fans have already seen all three Climax Together concerts on video if not in person, "Buck-Tick's relationship with their fans" could be summed up by blowing a raspberry while sitting on a whoopee cushion, and unless they decided to interview the whole band while skinny-dipping in one of Gunma Prefecture's famous hot springs, we can be pretty sure there will be no surprise clips of backstage Nude Goth Pilates. In short, there is almost certainly going to be no point to this movie, other than an excuse for day drinking in a movie theater. Which is actually not a bad idea. Anyone who wants to join Cayce for a spot of that, email us. Honestly we're not even picky about the film. It doesn't have to be Buck-Tick. It could be a porno flick instead...that would be sure to contain more climaxes, anyhow. You have until June to come up with recipes for tasty absinthe cocktails that can fit in a hip flask.

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In other news, fans will soon be able to vote on tracks to be included in Buck-Tick's 30th anniversary best-of album, which will be titled The BesT of the BesT of the BesT of Buck-Tick (Better than the Best of the Best!). Voting will take place on this site, and be open between May 1st at noon and June 30th at one minute to midnight. If I find out that any single one of you has voted for "Muma -The Nightmare-," I will personally hunt you down and kill you. Muma made it onto the last two unnecessary anniversary best albums, people. Unless this is some divine Wiccan punishment coming back full circle (in which case we're doomed to suffer three Mumas), let's not make the same mistake three times.

Instead, here are MY suggestions for songs to vote for, in no particular order:

No-No Boy

Hearts

Capsule Tears - Plastic Syndrome III-

Embryo

Pleasure Land

Under the Moonlight

Loop -Mark II-

Kimi e

Sexy Streamliner

Living on the Net

Brilliant

Nakayubi

That song about Acchan losing his bikini (I forget the title)

Details of the release have not yet been announced, but rumor has it that it will be released only to cassette tape, mini disc, floppy disc, Nintendo 64 and Betamax, so have those vintage technology players ready and waiting!

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Real talk: Buck-Tick have a lot of great songs that time and fans forgot. In the next week or so, we'll write a post on some songs we genuinely believe you should vote for for the best album, but in the meantime, go back and listen to their whole discography again, and kindly skip "Muma," "Aku no Hana" and "Tenshi wa Dare da" while thinking fondly of how much you love Cayce.

Oh, and for some reason I feel like sharing this song. It seems relevant, somehow.

51 and Still Sluttin'

Ladies and gentlemen and non-gendered non-corporeal beings of Blog-Tick, we would like to take a moment to wish a very happy birthday to our dear Mr. Sakurai Atsushi, President of Buck-Tickistan. (In fact, if you fact-checked that statement, you'd find out it's an "alternative fact" because in fact, Buck-Tickistan, as an Anarchic Republic, has no President, nor any central leader whatever. But we know you won't fact check because this is the Age of the Internet and everything you read on the internet is true.)

Anyhow, if 50 is the age for grand midlife crisis albums of epical gothical proportions, 51 is the age for a man to prove the following two things:

1. No matter how old you get, it's still cool to both be goth bondage Jesus in a music video, and wear goth bondage Jesus on your deliciously goth-kitsch t-shirt. Wearing goth bondage Jesus on your t-shirt is the new version of wearing your own face on your t-shirt.

Long live Acchan! Long live goth bondage Jesus!

(Nothing says confidence like wearing your own face on your t-shirt, but goth bondage Jesus is cooler!)

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2. It's never too late and you're never too old to begin your new career as a stripper!

No, you're never too old to be a stripper! Pick up a megaphone and howl it to the world!

Therefore, in honor of Mr. Sakurai's new career choice, we would like to present him with the following birthday cake, compliments of The Blog-Tick Phenomenon. 

But be warned, Acchan - there is a (g) string attached! Next tour, we demand Kurumi-print panties to match that jacket! Prepare for punishment if you don't deliver. Now eat up!

(On the off-chance that Mr. Sakurai reads Blog-Tick, please feel free to post your birthday messages to him in the comments section.)

Thighgate, or, This Amazing Fanart Will Blow Your Mind!

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How Goth Are You?

We jokingly mentioned in our live reports of The Mortal's tour last year that, before selling any tickets, they should have had fans complete a questionnaire to assess their overall level of Gothness. Only fans who could pass the test with flying colors (or flying shades of black and pale and hectic red, as the case may be) would be awarded with low numbers and/or front row seats. If the tour manager had taken our advice, the crowd would doubtless have been far more enthusiastic than it ended up being.

Don't believe me? Then note the below screencap from Immortal, and see how a total of three fans actually look like they're enjoying themselves. The song was "Shadow of Love," my friends. They should have been dancing, but no they were not.

But now, amusingly enough, in honor of Whitby Gothic Weekend, none other than the BBC itself has provided us with the gothic litmus test we were lacking. Too little, too late, but we're sharing it here so you can test yourselves, and perhaps even study up a bit for next time. Anyone who earns a score of 8 or above on the first try gets a good seat at The Mortal's next tour.

Take the quiz, friends. The Mortal are watching you closely to see how you fare.

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Mortal Lives, Immortal Dolls (Happy Girls' Day!)

Happy Girls' Day, everyone! Today, Hina Matsuri, is also known as the Doll Festival in Japan, when everyone drinks sweet sake, eats sugar stars and pink mochi, and everyone who can afford to celebrates the daughters of the household by busting out their expensive sets of empress and emperor dolls. Even if your daughter is a Gothic Lolita, that doesn't matter! Just tailor your hina dolls to her tastes, like this:

Wow! Much Goth, so Loli!

But even if you don't have a set of Girls' Day dolls for the occasion, who cares? Necessity is the mother of invention, so why not improvise by putting that teeny-tiny Acchan sex voodoo doll you made yourself together with your favorite American Girl doll, and playing a sexy version of Attack of the 50-foot Woman? You can't claim you haven't fantasized about this at least once. You can try to deny it, but we know you're lying.

The future is ripe with possibility!

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After all, just look...there are a whole horde of them to choose from, all begging in tiny voices for you to come "play" with them!

"Play with us..."



"PLAY WITH US!!!"

 

This one even has its hand on its...what has it even got there? On second thought, please don't tell me, I don't want to know. "Dolls" and "balls" are two words I don't need to hear in the same sentence.

And this one even has a scarf on its head!

With dolls like this, who needs real people? He even has sculpted veins and muscles! You can mold him to your will. He will never betray you. He's your coin operated boy. He will love you forever. 

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But that's neither here nor there. The main point is, if you, like us, prefer real live humans, you're in luck. It is not yet Mr. Sakurai's 50th birthday, and we have, true to our word, gotten our ...drumroll...

*** LIVE REPORT of The Mortal's virgin tour ***

all up on the interwebs before the big day, so go read it! And if this inspires you to order a copy of the Immortal DVD through us, you can still do that - we're taking reservations till Sunday, just send us an email. As always, if you enjoy the live report, we ask you to please leave a comment here.

As for the album review, it isn't quite finished yet, but we aim to get it up within the next few days (that's what he said.)

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In the mean time, would you like a cookie?

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Happy Hina Matsuri.