Gravity's Cavity

Gravity is a word with a lot of, well... gravity. Just consider all the associations this single word instantly calls to mind!

Most of you who have ever tried Douglas Adams' recipe for flying ("the ability to hurl oneself at the ground and miss") have come into contact with the original gravity that all the hipsters loved before it was cool. On earth, this fundamental force causes everything, everywhere to accelerate at -9.8m/s^2 toward the center of the planet... and yet despite it being the thing that made that apple fall on Newton's head and Mr. Sakurai fall on his ass on the first day of the Memento Mori tour, physicists still can't quite explain why gravity exists. It doesn't fit into the Standard Model of physics. Maybe, if we were able to prove the existence of little massless hoodoo particles known as "gravitons" that scientists hope and believe are out there causing all the gravity around us right now, we'd end up with a simple-ish mathematical explanation for why the world is round and why our feet stick to it. But as yet, gravitons are nothing but an unproven hypothesis, and the weak yet inexorable pull of gravity remains one of the greatest mysteries in science. Despite the number of other things which have stolen gravity's name over the years, Original Gravity(tm) is probably still the coolest thing to ever bear gravity branding.

But still... there's so much more gravity than just gravity. After all, how about that wildly confusing, award-winning and suspiciously psychedelic-sounding novel about sexual rockets?

Or how about that time that Sandra Bullock went cartwheeling off into space not attached to anything in what may be the most terrifying (yet awesome) space movie of all time?

Or how about the ending theme to Wolf's Rain, an anime which we're pretty sure was written by a Buck-Tick fan based on the lyrics to "Rakuen" and "Kimi e"? (If you haven't watched this one yet, by all means watch it! But make sure you have a box of tissues ready to sob into, and make sure you continue to the very, very end... it's all in the twist!)

Oh yeah, and now that you mention anime, what about the most atrocious j-rock yaoi ever made (if you think that with the words "j-rock" and "yaoi" in the same sentence, it can't be bad, you obviously haven't watched it! So what are you waiting for, we've linked the first episode below.)

Then again, those of you who are theater nerds probably prefer this type of gravity instead (and bless these girls).

But still. Though we'd love to be able to try ignoring gravity, as some of you may have already heard, Gravity is Big in Buck-Tickistan right now, and it won't let itself be ignored!!!

Yes, folks. We're talking about the newly-launched luxury brand Gravity Jewelry, designed by Buck-Tick's former web designer, Kouzu Nakaba. After a long, illustrious career on various design projects, Mr. Nakaba has now reached the stage of life when he's free (read: wealthy enough) to pursue lavish, glossy vanity projects that may or may not make money, but will definitely lock down his spot in the Pretentious Hall of Fame forevermore. Mr. Nakaba's Gravity line transcends thousands of years in a vague-yet-epic science fiction universe somewhere between The Never-Ending Story, Interstellar, King Lear, and Stephen Universe (the giant lesbian gemstone was two lesbian gemstones in a trenchcoat all along!!!) Somewhere along the line in this loopy, hole-riddled chronology appears a Great King who has three daughters, and he gives each of them a planet full of preposterously expensive made-to-order jewelry. No word as yet on whether the king goes insane, or whether anyone's eyeballs get put out with the line "out, vile jelly!" (one of our most favorite ever Shakespeare quotes)... but we can always hope. Thankfully, the entire story is already written in English, sparing us the time and effort of translating it, so if you're curious, go read it here.

But what does all this have to do with Buck-Tickistan, you ask?

Don't play dumb, kids. You already know. This has to do with Buck-Tickistan, because Kouzu Nakaba, like every other straight male who's ever laid eyes on Mr. Sakurai, fell instantly in purely platonic and definitely not gay love with Mr. Sakurai the moment he met him, and therefore when Mr. Nakaba was coming up with a story about a King, his thoughts leapt instantly to Mr. Sakurai, King of his heart, whereupon he felt pulled as if by gravity, knowing for sure (even though it was three in the morning at the time) that he NEEDED Mr. Sakurai to be the Lord King of the Rings for him, and he therefore had to call Mr. Sakurai right that minute and beg him, "Please, please, please, let me use your vital, vigorous, veiny, virile hands for my ads to advertise my fuck fantasies fancy as fuck jewelry in a purely platonic and definitely not gay way. Pleeeeeeaze." Lucky for Mr. Nakaba, Mr. Sakurai was wide awake at the time, drinking shochu and lint-rolling cat hairs off his fifteen identical Alexander McQueen t-shirts. "Sure," said Mr. Sakurai, then added, "These rings - do they make good cat toys?"

That message on the Gravity Jewelry website, about the 100th anniversary of Einstein's Theory of Relativity, and astronaut Naoko Yamazaki's thoughts on gravity, the force, and Gravity (2013 film starring Sandra Bullock), that's all just a convenient cover-up for the real meaning of this brand name: the ineffable power by which Mr. Sakurai sucks up straight men (and lesbians!) like a vacuum cleaner into a definitely not sexual whole new world (get it?) that they never knew existed.

Anyway, for those of you too lazy to visit the Gravity website, the rings look like this.

"Planet Clarines"
Cool...? To us, this doesn't pack anywhere near as much visual punch as much of Big Black Maria's work, but perhaps our tastes are simply too low-brow and our eyes are still closed to the true beauty of modern art. But how about...

"Planet Sirocos"
Hmm... matte texture, presumably to evoke frost and ice. Cool idea, but in person, matte jewelry tends to make you look like you're about to attend Rich Person Con 2017, and frankly, we'd rather not. The Pretentious Hall of Fame welcomes you, Mr. Nakaba. But wait, there's still...

"Planet Illumina"
Now we're cooking with gas! White gold coated in black rhodium, for that gothical finish, plus a gravity's rainbow of colored stones. It's all most there. All it needs is a few more curls, and maybe a rose in the center... oh wait.

Friends, if you weren't already aware, the above is the ring that was designed by Mr. Sakurai himself for the Tenshi no Revolver tour and produced by Big Black Maria. This ring may be made of plain ol' plebeian sterling silver and garnet, rather than white gold and rubies, but we'll choose this one over the kings and queens any day of the week, because in our opinions, it's better looking than the ones above... and it was certainly less expensive!

For those of you who were wondering, Gravity jewelry is all made to order out of real gold and diamonds. The Queen ring costs 298,000 yen, while the King ring costs 682,000 yen. Affordable, right? But if you're a female fan with small hands (or, in fact, a male fan with small hands) but you think the King ring is definitely cooler than the Queen ring (the King ring is definitely cooler!) and would prefer the King ring (we would prefer the King ring!) then Mr. Nakaba has the following very special message for you: "Fuck you, small-fingered person! You do not deserve my King ring. Small-handed people have no reason to live! My King ring starts at a whopping size 16 and only gets bigger from there! Maybe it will fit around your itty-bitty little big toe! Now get out of my web-store, poor person very lacking in gold coins!!! *blows raspberry*"*

*This is a 100% real, true, fact-checked quote straight from Mr. Nakaba's lips. (And everything you read on the internet is true.)

But!!! If you, unlike us, are absolutely in love with these rings and determined to have them, or you're simply so obsessed with Acchan-chan that you'll buy anything he endorses, no matter what it is, don't despair! Replicas of these rings are currently available for order through the Buck-Tick Web Shop and if you want our help ordering them, we'll be happy to help you, just shoot us an email. The replica rings are made of sterling silver and black Swarovskis. Queen sells for 37800 yen, while King sells for 59400 yen, which is less than our rent, so looking good there, because one of those Big Black Maria rings back in the day was definitely more than our rent and that was definitely too much. However, if you were hoping that these King rings would be made in smaller sizes... dream on, kiddo! They only go down to size 15. All you small-handed people out there, you might as well just cut your hands off right now, to save yourselves the shame. Never have fat fangirls with fat fingers felt so smug and superior! 

If you want the replica rings, don't delay - they're only available till November 24th! It says on the web site that they'll be delivered by December 23rd, just in time for Christmas, so you'd better get on the phone to your rich husband's credit card right now.




But what about Mr. Sakurai, eh? Whatever came of that invitation he received from Mr. Nakaba?

Well, folks, it was only the next day when Mr. Sakurai sobered up that he realized that taking on this job would involve him being uploaded into a computer, Tron-style, digitized as a Final Yaoi Final Fantasy character, then spit back out into the real world. And while he was inside that computer... who can say what happened to him?

Chekkitout, guys, Noctis has a ring, too!!!1 And a beard! Is this a Future Song for Acchan-chan? We can only wait and hope.




P.S. Yes, we are still accepting orders for tour goods. And yes, they played "Babel" on the tour and it was even more exciting live than in the video (of course). We've had a very busy few weeks but things have eased up a bit now, so we promise we'll bring you more articles soon.


  1. hahaha this post made my day, I had such an awful workday. Thanks Cayce!

  2. Thank you, Cayce! This post made my morning and I'll be smiling all day for all the brilliant references.

    By the way, the music video for "Babel" reminds me of "Miss Take" and "Romance". Great fusion of visuals.

  3. Recently there has been a lot of gossip about Atsushi on fuckyeahtanuki(.)tumblr(.)com. Does The Hisashi Inquirer perchance have any response?

    1. Since we're not the Hisashi Inquirer, we can offer no response on their part. But if you'd like us to take it up with them, please inform us of the specifics of the gossip to which you would like them to respond, as it's likely that they're far too busy nosing around VIP houses with paparazzi cameras to have any time to spend reading Tumblr.

    2. Meh, most of them are about him divorcing his wife (for the 764th time these past years) or him getting smth done to his face since he continues to look unusually good still.So nothing that interesting.

    3. Anyone who's ever actually seen his face in real life (as opposed to heavily photoshopped magazines or their own internet fantasies) should be easily able to tell that he hasn't had anything done to his face. Signed, a person who has seen Mr. Sakurai's actual face in real life. For better or worse, he does in fact look older than he did five years ago. But who among us can boast differently?

    4. Also about him having turned into a very responsible dad who seems to love his daughter a lot and who refuses girls who are too young for him. I thought that was rather endearing.

  4. Tbh I think it's quite obvious he hasn't done anything when you see him in the live videos but apparently ppl can't believe someone can look good after the 50s without any help.

    1. It must be a very strange existence, to have never met anyone over the age of 50.


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