Too Goods to Be True

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Good evening, Blog-Tickers.

If you've been keeping your eyes on the Fish Tank, you may have noticed some interesting fish swimming your way lately.

What are the Fish in Question, you ask?

Why, they're the Day in Question tour goods, of course!

And why is that special, you ask?

Well, this year, in addition to the usual array of t-shirts, tote bags, tour towels, pick sets, pamphlets, trading cards, and various and sundry Buck-Tick branded tchotchkes for your consumptive pleasure, the band members themselves have produced individual, personalized tour goods, and they contacted us personally so that we could let you know, in English, in a fully band-approved and authorized fashion, that these personally produced band-member brand tour goods are NOT, I repeat, NOT the brainchildren of a highly raucous and ridiculous party (to which we may or may not have been invited...y'all take guesses and wagers and start some rumors there we won't stop you) but which certainly did NOT involve a Mt. Fuji-sized pile of bottles of booze, because alcohol is bad for you and also illegal in Japan.

ALSO the Buck-Tick members are very serious professionals who would not engage in alcohol imbibement whilst hard at work designing their tour goods. No, folks, you take it from us: these tour goods are NOT jokes. They were NOT created to make you laugh. They are serious works of serious art and you should spend lots of your hard-earned cash on them in straight-faced, serious good faith.

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First, from Sexy Beast Hide (#sexybeasthide) we have a twee cloth bag filled with five sachets of Hoshino Coffee. You think I'm joking? I'm not. There are Hoshino Coffee joints all over Japan. In fact, it's a little known fact that Sexy Beast Hide is a national coffee overlord. Coffee never looked so sexy since that scene in Buck-Tick: The Movie where Acchan-chan was drinking coffee in the recording studio and the fangirls asked him in the Fish Tank newsletter what he was drinking and he said it was the blood of virgins! Don't you wish you still had your virginity now, eh kids? Well no matter, because Hoshino Coffee still wants you!

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Second, from Yagami Toll, we have the Pussyhawk Shirt. We hereby certify that you can wear this shirt and still use the hashtag #hawksbeforecocks. Because this shirt is a Pussy with a 'Hawk. You heard it here first.

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Third, from dear Imai Hisashi, we have The Dick Day in Question TDiQ Shirt. Whose is it? That's for you to decide, and us to guess ;)

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Have you figured out whose it is, yet?

I'll tell you a little secret: we figured it out.

It's yours.

Well guess what, now, when you feel the throbbing pressing swelling to rub your...um...nose...(wink wink, nudge nudge) into a nice soft moist tissue, you can pull those tissues straight out of Yutaka's Very Serious Bear Box. And if you feel lonely because you're rubbing your nose all by your lonesome with no one to hold you...don't worry. Serious Bear's arms are open and waiting to hold you wherever you may so wish (wink wink, nudge nudge.)

 

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Who is it you're thinking of while cuddling those bear tissues?

Don't pretend we don't know.

We know you can barely contain your fruit juice for this man.

Yes, these are real tour goods (stop laughing! This is serious, okay?) This is an official collaboration with Sakuma Fruit Drops. They are 100% Made in Japan and REAL fruit juice contained, ready to burst forth and gush in your mouth! And yes, they were all dear Mr. Sakurai's idea (why are you still laughing?)

How do we know they were Mr. Sakurai's idea?

We know, because they're a direct reference to the film Grave of the Fireflies, which Sakurai has fingered as his favorite Ghibli film at least twice in the Fish Tank newsletter, because the Fish Tank newsletter simply cannot get enough of asking the Buck-Tick members what their favorite Ghibli films are (are you surprised that Yutaka's is Totoro?)

Anyhow, for those of you unfamiliar with Grave of the Fireflies, go watch it right now, because I'm going to post major spoilers right below this block of text.

SPOILER ALERT. Grave of the Fireflies tells the story of a young boy, Seita, and his little sister, Setsuko, living on the fringes of society as war orphans after their mother is killed in the firebombing of Tokyo just prior to the end of World War II. They own almost nothing, but Seita carries with him a tin of Sakuma Fruit Drops. He offers one to Setsuko every once in a while when she's in need of encouragement.

Here are some stills from the film:

Aw now isn't that sweet? It's almost green cheese sweet! Could it be that, following The Mortal, Mr. Sakurai has become sick of death and backed off a bit?

Hm, not really. Because...SPOILER ALERT...the fireflies ALL DIE, and Seita and Setsuko have to make a grave for them and use the fruit drops tin as an offering vase for grave flowers.

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And then..SPOILER ALERT...THIS HAPPENS.

Yeah, that's right. Nobody saves them. THEY BOTH DIE.

But it's all okay in the end. Because in the final scene of the film, the two dead children are seen riding the train to the afterlife, eating their fill of Sakuma Fruit Drops. Product placement: it even follows you beyond this mortal coil.

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I suppose I haven't advertised it very well here, but Grave of the Fireflies is actually a breathtakingly good, if gut-wrenching, film. We confess that here at Blog-Tick, it's something of a tradition to watch it every year on Pearl Harbor Day, though we're afraid we lapsed this year (shame on us.) Though it was made by Studio Ghibli, Hayao Miyazaki was not involved, which means that the plot hangs together well, and there are no melting monsters glooping into the way of the storytelling and ruining everything. So if you dislike Miyazaki's work as much as Cayce does (fight me Miyazaki fans, but you will never win!), you should definitely watch this film as it's pretty much the anti-Miyazaki. On the other hand, if this film is too dark and miserable for you, I think you're going to have to hand in your Acchan-fan card and walk away, because as I said, he's stated multiple times that he loves this film, and really...war orphans dying alone of starvation in the ruins of fire-bombed Tokyo? NONE SO GOTH.

But you're Buck-Tick fans, aren't you? A little DEATH never turned y'all off. In fact, we're betting it turns you on.

Now wipe the tears from your eyes with Yutaka's tissues and stuff some of those gushing fruit juice sticky sugar cherry balls deep into your mouth, and suck away!



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And now, product placement: if you'd like Cayce to pick up any of these items or the other tour goods items listed on the B-T website on your behalf, please contact us asap! We will be attending the show in Nagano on Sunday and if you act fast we can get your goods then! Otherwise we won't be able to get them till the 23rd in Yokohama.

As always, email us at themadaristocrat at gmail.

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Oh, and this.

For those of you not in the know, this is "Sakura Drops," by Utada Hikaru.

Coincidence? Surely not. Surely conspiracy.
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