Why, Fish Tank Tour Goods?

Welp, we can't post the photos of the goods here because they're all too fucking tiny. Web design, in Buck-Tickistan? What country do you think this is, eh?

But, while they have all the money and the lack of web design skills, we have the WHYs y'all are looking for. So, here's why.

1. Imai-designed Masks and "Half Pants" (c'mon Imai, these are call shorts. I know, I know, "shorts" is a euphemism for "panties" in Japan, but if Acchan-chan did it, so can you.) So, why? Chiropractor, kids. For his old man brokedown hip. We recently sprained our non-corporeal knee and we've been commuting once a week to the generously insurance-underwritten chiropractor, where we lie on an air conditioned bed listening to 90's and 2000's pop (both Japanese and Western... by the way, we are never, ever ever getting back together.) while receiving exotic services such as electric massage and chiropractic manipulations by an extremely handsome, charismatic young man who should probably be a televangelist or a used car salesman instead of a chiropractor, but we respect him the more for the fact that he isn't. And what happens when you go to a Japanese chiro clinic with a sprained knee, folks? They have you change into these standard-issue "half-pants" that look pretty much exactly like the ones Imai's got on offer. The masks go without saying. Cuz corona is gonna kill you but them masks will save you. Vax or no vax. So you're snorting into your mask and your half-pants and just wishing that that 90's playlist included "Dress," which of course, it doesn't. Mr. Imai, 9500 yen is a lot of money for some chiro clinic pants, and you know it. But your hip still hurts, and you really, really want to get back up onto those ridiculous boots, so we get it.

2. Yutaka: Serious Bear Round Squishy Ball Keyholder. Well, well, well. We know that aside from Mr. Imai, Yutaka is the most happily married of the bunch in Buck-Tickistan, and what Serious Bear doesn't love to lightly squish a nice, squishy, squishy ball? At 2000 yen, this is very cheap, fit for an everyman... every man who wants a nice, squishy ball. Yutaka, my but you're sweet. Squish squish, it's a boob, it's a ball, it's a stress reliever (is there any difference?) Why does poor Serious Bear look so glum? Probably because none of us can attend the tour and that fucking sucks. But we could buy this thing and squish all of our latent, long-lost longing for Buck-Tick into it, and even if that doesn't make things feel better, it does help that this baby is very cute (and would also make a good cat toy, probably. If Yutaka has a cat. Or if he goes to visit Acchan-chan, which is unlikely.) Yutaka, you are the sweetest, the bestest. We love you.

3. Yagami Toll: Super Ice Cold Ultra-Chilled Sake Set, anticipating our annual global warming 36-degree summer here in Japan. Toll is going to turn 60 on August 19th, kids. Right in the middle of that sauna. Will it be 36 degrees? Will it be 37 degrees? Let's hope to fuck it's not 60 degrees, or we really will all die. But yeah, what does Toll like? Nihonshu. That is to say, "Japaneez sake" (as Mr. Sakurai sings in "Goblin"). When does he like it? Whenever he goddamn well pleases. He has surely earned that right, by now. But if you buy this sake set, you not only get to enjoy that cute zombie-with-a-mohawk Toll graphic, and remember that Toll was ready to give up rock music for a life of drinking away his misery before he ever joined Buck-Tick (see Love Me on This is NOT Greatest Site for more info), but also, Toll has been drinking sake that entire time and he's still alive and pushing sixty, so really, the point is, what you can learn from Toll's life is that you should do what you love, *if* doing what you love involves painstakingly reviewing each and every video of your drumming post-concert (while drinking nihonshu), lecturing to young drummers (while drinking nihonshu) that they shouldn't be so show-offy and should pare their style back to something more refined and Japanese minimalist so as to better show off Mr. Sakurai's voice (like nihonshu), and just plain ol' drinking nihonshu. While maybe checking out your super-duper cool mohawk in the mirror (and toasting your reflection with nihonshu), even though you're alone in your house. (Who says he doesn't do that? Can you prove he doesn't do that? No, you can't!)

4. Hide: Hairband, With Bow (presumably intended to be affixed to your dog's head as she goes running with you.) Why? Well, Hide is an over-50 soccer dad whose very uncool hobby is getting up at 5AM to go jogging along the river. Why does he do this? To stay in shape for playing soccer? Nope. He's just that kind of guy that likes to get up very early in the morning to go jogging. And he's secretly flattered by the groups of 80-something year old ladies who regularly and unabashedly hit on him, with pickup lines like "oooooh look at the handsome prince!!!" They have no idea who he is, no idea that he's famous, no idea what a Buck-Tick is or where to buy one. All they know is they saw that silver fox in his hairband, modestly priced at a department-store price of 2500 yen (price of the man or the headband, you decide, this is a choose your own adventure), because he's an everyman, jogging by the river with his little dog, and their jaded hearts were stirred by his purity of spirit, and by his well-exercised muscles, and by his chiseled features, and his silver beard. 

They heckle and heckle, because when you're 85, you're just over it. "Nice pecs!" "Nice beard!" "Nice biceps!" "Nice bxx!" "Whoo-hoo!" "We like a man with a nice dog!!" "We like a man with a nice headband!!!" And somehow, Hide feels just as small and shamed as any 18-year-old girl getting cat-called by construction workers... and yet... he's still flattered. His ego is inflated and deflated in equal measure (as are other parts of him). Because he knows, work that thang when you still can (and how long can he?? Oh, god, don't go spiraling down this loop anymore...). Because secretly, loss of self-confidence is a very real fear for this extremely handsome, talented, six-foot-tall professional rock star jock. Because everyone's life has to be hard somehow!!! But look, early-morning jogging is a slippery slope. By the time Hide's 70 (oh dear we said it perish that thought now kill it with fire), his wake-up time will have moved back to 4AM. Fun fact: one time Cayce was walking along the seawall in Yokosuka in the middle of winter at 4AM (please, please don't ask why.) And we kid you not, there were not one, not two, but a whole steady stream of very old Japanese people (we mean like octogenarian old), wrapped up in anoraks, jogging along. And, kids, they looked so very, very miserable, running through that blistering wind. They were cold and it was still pitch dark out, and their were heavily hoisting their venerable bodies along the road, and we couldn't help but want to ask them... my dudes, why don't you just wait until it's like 10AM and it's sunny and warm out here and you can see the ocean while you jog? We've got nothing against jogging, exercise or health. These are undoubtedly good things, keeping Japan with the longest life expectancy in the world. But, why put yourselves through this sadness and hardship, at a time in your life when you could and should just be kicking back and working in the garden and cuddling with your cats? Is misery virtue? Welcome to Japan, a country where that question has never been satisfactorily answered.

5. Mr. Sakurai. Hanky Panky Hankies. Okay, we know what you're thinking. You know we know what you're thinking. Lace handkerchiefs into which to loose your impotent fantasies is so much more romantic than tissue paper. "You are the honey I spill all alone" ("Sasayaki"). So much more elegant with a hanky than a tissue from the grocery store, ain't it? And ain't nobody getting any younger. You think he can still actualize those fantasies of his? What woman would do it? What woman could do it? They are all listening to K-Pop and playing otome games now, he's an old, old, OLD man, like 5666666 years old, and those fantasies of his, well, they are epic. Nope, Acchan-chan is alone, alone, in a world of plastic-surgified very young very perfect-faced male idols and very, very scary large and overripe fangirls, and he's a hikikomori who prefers to stay safe at home in his own home sweet home house, thank you very much, and make his own "fun." With some nice, lovely, silk handkerchiefs. 

Except, kids, that's not even what's going on here. You know what Acchan-chan loves, even more than sxx (fun fact: he gave that up long ago, he's faking it, no one is worth it anymore, Covid ruined everything, goodbye, I don't even watch porn anymore, it's all an act, signing off. Nen nen korori yo.) Acchan-chan loves watching really sad, scary, and/or twisted movies. His favorite Ghibli film, by his own accounting in multiple sources, is Grave of the Fireflies. He's currently penning lyrics all about how fucking pissed he is that there is another fucking war in central Europe/Asia. And you know what happens when you write lyrics about the war in Ukraine while watching Grave of the Fireflies on repeat? You cry, kids. You bawl. You snivel. You hork snot and then you snivel some more. Because what the fuck even is this life and why the fuck does it have to suck this much, kthxbai. It sucks for everyone, Ukrainian, Russian, Japanese, American, every fucking person, it just blows (like you blow your nose in that hanky panky hankie). Jobs suck. Being bombed sucks. Being blacklisted by the world through no fault of your own sucks. Being ruled by oligarchs and megalomaniacal egomaniacs sucks. Late-stage capitalism is what's sucking us all dry.

Japan sucks a lot less than the rest of the world in many ways, but when you're Acchan-chan, you feel ALL of the world's feels at once, so you're in constant pain, but you are too gentle and retiring to complain enough to get a well-insured appointment with that spiritual chiropractor. And furthermore, Sugar does not have the time or the patience to be Acchan's napkin on which to rub his bogeys, even though he would prefer Sugar's fur (Kurumi would just scratch his lovely old old OLD 56666666 year old face and glare at him and have done and he just doesn't have the heart to inflict his misery on Maru because for him Maru is a little angel and maybe the only scrap of loveliness this world has left, because Sugar is guilty of Gluttony and Kurumi is guilty of Envy and in a way that makes him feel closer to them bc 7 deadly sins and all but he needs to feel something of the divine just to get the energy to get out of bed and into the studio each morning). But, he's Acchan-chan. He has class. He has style. Whether or not he's getting any hanky-panky, he needs a fucking hanky. Here you go. A whole 4500 yen's worth (per color!), and you can't even go to the tour - he's got that covered, too. This is your hanky to cry in. Can't go to the tour. It sucks. Cry with him in solidarity.  




No comments:

Post a Comment

How have you been heart feeling?